Thursday, January 12, 2012

"I Got That Bitch Strung Out!"

Another member of the master race

"I got that bitch strung out," smartly bragged Rich. The rest of the boys in the racquetball locker room gazed upon him in curious awe. Rich has an answer for everything it seems.

Rich Rollendelli always got what he wanted. Engineer by trade, executive by design, black hearted pirate by nature, he had the formula for living well. Here was one person who never wanted the world to change. From his finely crafted Italian leather shoes to his superbly tailored pinstriped suit to his carefully coiffed hair in sleek trim, Rollendelli knew exactly how he wanted his life to be. "Find the formula!" his unspoken motto.

Beyond his tried and true motto he had no philosophy. He hated protesters and despised voices calling for change. Rollendelli was an untouched general in the class war and any thought of his ever being disturbed brought out the cruel and ruthless underbelly to his sleek facade. Life was great having the world figured out! Immersed in carnal pleasures, only "radicals" find fault with his self-ordained lifestyle. If others resent his cash and comfort let them do the same as he did. It's out there for the taking, he rationalized.

The one place where his formula had failed was in his marriage. Oh, Rollendelli still knew what he wanted alright: someone sexy, unquestioning, very presentable and a loyal companion. He found all those attributes wrapped in the delightful package of Abigail and he wooed her heavily with his imported car and imported soul. She too had her List For Life and thus a marriage contract was born. Each thought the bargain most clever. With their Lists now checked off, the winner's life for them!

A marriage sealed with a Mercedes

But without the ability to change course or adapt, their marriage was like a ship with a stuck rudder. Even if starting out on the correct path, storms come to jar it off course - adjustments must be made. But they married as people already perfect, no adjustments needed! Choppy waters ahead.

"I got that bitch strung out." The statement came in reply to how Rich kept his marriage together. After reaching forty he'd become more stern in his outlook - and most likely more unbearable to live with. The locker room served as a quasi-confessional and as long as none of the guys had to marry any of the other assholes no one pretty much cared how anyone conducted his life. Rich went on to explain his statement.

"I got her addicted - just like I knew she would be behind all that holier than thou church shit. Trust me, guys, it's ALWAYS about the money. You think any of our wives is gonna marry the night janitor??" Chuckles ensued. "Hell fucking no! You reel them in with the money but they love to pretend it's something "wonderful and true"! Let them prance around and be miss high-and-mighty strutting about like the queen of the ball. Mine does Christian rituals to fix it in her head but it's me that's got a hold of her chains and I'm not letting go."

Ain't we dandy!

Rich touched a nerve with his dissertation.

"Mine's not much better. She spends a fucking fortune on makeup alone. What a rip-off! Who is she trying to impress? The Spic gardener? I think she'd rather shop than eat! Getting packages in the mail all the time. Self-help garbage, crap for the shelves. She's a real head case. Just gimme the fucking, honey, and everything else will be OK. OK?"

"Ha! Mine clips coupons! I kid you not. We spend $16,000 remodeling the kitchen and she cuts these little 75 cent fuckers out of the paper with these tiny scissors I just want to rip right outta her hand! Jesus, you'd think we were on minimum wage the way she acts. "You never know!" she says. Like we're going to be broke tomorrow. She just stays in this sleepy world of hers never knowing what in the hell is going on!"

To Rollendelli, their complaints only re-enforced his theory. He let out a bombshell to lure them further in. "She left me once." Interested eyes turned to Rich. "No shit. She ran back to mommy and daddy in Ohio. She thought she had found true love with some fucker she met at work. That's back when she still thought life is a movie. But what you really want, bitch, is what you choose! Fool yourself but don't be fooling me!"

How every woman sees her marriage

"So what happened? How did you get her back?" inquiring minds wanted to know.

"She came running back crying and shit just like I knew she would, scared to make it on her own. The guy had no money! For a while I had to put up with talk of her "dreams" and the "meaning of life" but the more I heard that shit the more I bought her stuff until she finally shut up. Let me tell ya, her only "dreams" are in a jewelry store! She's got a heart made of diamond."

"Thank God for that!" concurred the guys.

"Now, she's so terrified at the thought of ever facing the real world again you can't get her to talk about her "romantic dream". I hear her bitter voice sometimes when she's talking to her friends and I love it! The bitch has been educated! She sucks so hard on that money tit she comes crawling like an addict. It's beautiful, I tell you, just beautiful! No way that bitch is ever leaving again."

"Hey, Rich, I bet that money ain't all she's sucking on!" Everyone comfortably laughed and cleaned up, men secure in their place in the world. Never once had it occurred to them life could be any more than what it is. Why even endure such a painful thought? Because if life really is a dream, they were life's losers bound to the world - and thus bound to its ultimate fate.

Or as the night janitor who overheard them put it: "What a bunch of assholes!"

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