Thursday, August 04, 2011

Obama Enters "Niceness" Therapy After Debt Deal

Is all the world like my goddam family, where only "certain" feelings are allowed to be publicly spoken? Turns out Washington is having a post debt deal hangover and the words are flying. Examples follow:

- Vice President Joe Biden, during a private meeting with Democratic House members, reportedly said that Republicans had "acted like terrorists."

- The New York Times, PBS and Politico, to name a few, ran opinion pieces that used the "terrorist" meme. In fact, the Times published four articles calling opponents to raising the limit the t-word. And Joe Nocera wrote that the tea party could finally "put aside their suicide vests" now that the problem seemed to be resolved.

- Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, who served under President Bush, called those who opposed the debt limit increase "our version of al Qaeda terrorists." "Really," he added for good measure.

- Colorado Republican Rep. Doug Lamborn called President Obama a "tar baby." "Now I don't want to even have to be associated with him," Lamborn said, when asked if the president would be to blame for the debt crisis. "It is like touching a tar baby and you get it—you're stuck, and you're part of the problem now." He later apologized and said he meant to use the word "quagmire."

But poor, nice Obama could not get in one the game. He did come close, though, with a "Fuck it! I need a cigarette!" statement. A panicked First Lady then felt prompted to enroll him in niceness therapy so that he may find a healthier outlet for his frustrations. Early results are not promising.

"OK, Mr. President, repeat after me: Republicans are b..."


"Come now! You know the right word. Try again. Republicans are b..."


"'Bastards', Mr. President. The word is 'bastards'! They are trying to destroy you and they don't care if they wreck the country in the process. They are your enemies!"

"But I love my enemies! I'll do anything they want! What a guy I am!"

"One does not reach across the aisle to an alligator, Mr. President, if one expects to keep one's arm."

"You just don't understand how to get things done! If they need my arm they should have it! I'll ask them later to give it back."

"Keep this up and I'll be needing therapy. Don't you realize it's not just yourself you are sacrificing but also the lives of millions of people when you enact their predatory policies?"

"Yes, but you see my policies are as pure as the driven snow. But I shall not enact my own partisan beliefs because I am the bigger man and give total sway to my enemies."

"But your enemies are also the enemies of the American people!"

"I'll speak no evil of my opponents. They are all good patriots who want only the best for this country. I'm, like, so totally mature for saying that!"

"Millions unemployed, lives wrecked, homeless children and the future grim. What does it take to get you mad?"

"I love everyone!"

"Don't you even feel bad for betraying your progressive supporters?"

"Those fucking bastards? Fuck them and the horse they rode in, fucking know-it-alls trying to ram insane nonviable policy down my throat. Who they hell do they think they are? Those lunatics are trying to kill me! Professional critic assholes! Goddam I hate them!"

"Mr. President, what were dealing with here is a case of misplaced anger. You speak of your supporters as you should of your destroyers."

"If I hate on the Republicans or do anything to make them mad no one will love me! You must be one of those progressives who wants to kill me!"

"Sir, trying to bring everyone together doesn't simply mean having everyone agree. It means coming together for the common good only. Otherwise you just have everyone agreeing to self-destruct!"

"If that's what the people want who am I to disagree!?"

"That's not a very Christian statement."

"Am too a Christian! No Muslims here!"

"Then may I read to you the words of Jesus:

Do you think I came to bring peace on earth?
No, I tell you, but division. From now on
there will five in one family divided against each other,
three against two and two against three.

"Really?" asked a somewhat shocked President.

"Yes, sir, it's in all the gospels. I can quote you the verses - "

"No, no, that's alright. I believe you."

"I know you know Jesus was without sin so what do think of his words, sir?"

"Well..." The President shifted uneasily in his chair. "One thing's for sure: that fucker's never getting elected!"


The President's young daughter approached him with a bothering question. "What does it mean voting for the lesser of two evils?"

"Oh, that's simple! That means instead of dying in two days you die in three."

"But you still die? That doesn't sound like a very good plan."

"Yes, but that's because you're a child and are without understanding. As an adult you will one day understand the value of lying to yourself. It's the only way to live."

"But what if I want to actually survive? What's the point of dying in three days instead of two."

"Because dying in three days is the more responsible path! People will hail you as a great person. It gives them the illusion of doing the right thing without actually having to take on the burden of facing reality. That's a big selling point!"

"How they gonna do all that if they're dead?"

"Well...before they die they'll say you're great. That's all that matters in the end. You'll see. I too thought like you do as a child. But now I'm an adult and that means being smart enough to lie."

"I guess I'm dumb because that doesn't sound very smart to me."

"Oh trust me. Believing lies will come in real handy, especially once you start giving blow jobs."

"OK, thanks, Dad. You always bring us together."

"That's what I do!"


The great Arianna Huffington had the same thought I did!

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