Monday, August 01, 2011

If Baby Jessica Fell Down A Well Today...

Liberal media makes hero of freeloader!

Jessica McClure Morales (born March 26, 1986) became famous at the age of 18 months after falling into a well in the backyard of 3309 Tanner Dr. Midland, Texas, on October 14, 1987. Between that day and October 16, rescuers worked for 58 hours to free "Baby Jessica" from the eight-inch-wide well casing 22 feet below the ground. The story gained worldwide attention (leading to some criticism as a media circus), and later became the subject of a 1989 ABC TV movie. As presented in the movie, a vital part of the rescue was the use of the then relatively new technology of waterjet cutting.

Luckily, we's a lot smarter now than back then when we put all that time and effort on just one person! I'm sure the only reason this over-the-top rescue even happened was cause pressure from the liberal media inflating this into some sort of emergency. What about all the children who died in car accidents that day?? Don't they count? Not a word on them, huh, so-called caring liberal media!

They say if you're young and not liberal you got no heart but if you're old and not conservative you got no brain. In other words: when people's heart dies they get smart! And that's what I is now: LOTS smarter! I don't get all worked up over one stupid person. It may sound cold, but it ain't me, it's reality talking. Get over it, grow up and face the facts: not every person counts.

So I'm proud to say we are so much more sensible now than before when we was young and dumb. I think we'd handle it in a much better way than before. Welcome to the new age of responsibility! Here's how us enlightened ADULTS would handle this situation nowadays:

Democrat dictators wants to save EVERYbody!

Tea Party patriots, looking out for the good of the nation: "Why are we using all these resources for just one individual? Endeavors like this were never intended by our founding fathers! Lower the baby and we'll lower the debt! Stop the madness now!"

Conservative Christians will not be swayed from the true path: "Spare the rod and spoil the child, sayeth the Lord. How is she ever going to learn from her mistakes if we keep bailing out our children?"

Fox News will very factually report: Child Asks For Government Handout! What is Obama teaching our children about responsibility?

Following her rescue on October 16, 1987, surgeons had to amputate a toe due to gangrene from loss of circulation while in the well. She also has a scar on her forehead where her head rubbed against the well casing. She has had 15 surgeries over the years...

The fiscally responsible Republicans decry the use of public funds for private medical issues! "She fell down the hole! Why can't she pay the bills? This sort of socialist behavior cannot be tolerated or our whole country will go down the tubes! Treating her wounds is treason!"

Whiny Democrats will apologize but everyone already knows how sorry they are! "We're sorry she doesn't have a job and we promise to cut off all future unemployment benefits to everyone as a compromise for even just faking to save her. Please don't be mad at us, angry white male Republican daddies!"

Obama will speak with his usual forked tongue, trying take credit for the rescue and then turn us into a nation of freeloading hippie communists: "I've come here to tell you every life is precious and no effort too great in saving the life of even one individual! I'm proud of our efforts so far, we are a nation with a heart and a soul, but tomorrow I'm defunding the enterprise. No one has asked me to do this but I'm going to show I'm the bigger man and the only adult in the room by making the hard decisions of letting babies die. Thank you - Obama 2012!"

"Dude, there's a reason we ain't saving you:
You don't count, ya lazy bum!"

Them way smart guys at Haliburton will make a fortune! "We've subcontracted dozens of unneeded third world workers at $1.50 an hour for which we will charge $150 an hour. HAHAHAHA! We're going to charge a million dollars for $5,000 worth of equipment but we're going to purposely break it and replace it so many times we'll make 10 million dollars! Free range greed, yeeehaw!"

See, libtards? You don't have to go around crying all the time about how evil it is to make money when here the good guys are pretending to save a life. You use money too! I seen you eating, you hypocrites! So think about that next time you spend a FORTUNE on one measly life. All you so-called "unfortunates" out there just need to go off and die and stop inconveniencing the rest of us with your petty problems and pathetic situations. The world has growed up now, we ain't listening!

This massive media saturation of the ordeal prompted then-President Ronald Reagan to state that "everybody in America became godmothers and godfathers of Jessica while this was going on." Ain't no worthless unemployed bums got any godparents!

Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one, bitches!


Deb Parker said...

We is not be sures why for youz is's so stupids. I is be hopinging that if we's ever gets's that olders, me not bees as stupiders as weez.

Deb Parker said...

So often, people are somehow convinced they are far more intelligent than they actually happen to be. Of those, some are remarkably able to fool others into believing it as well. Then we come to folks like yourself. Your post here speaks volumes to the failures of the American education system. I have been angry, disgusted, scared, and even saddened by some of the things I hear people of your ilk spewing out into the world after a nice evening of Glenn Beck and Fox News. You, Mr. Harry Homeless, are none of those things. You are simply a absolute humor. A joke. The best part, is that you do not even seem to understand the fundamental ideas behind your party's base. You certainly missed the mark trying to repeat the things you have heard your heroes on Fox News blabbering. Somehow, I get the feeling that this almost HAS to be a parody of the "average American Republican today" Sadly though, while you have captured the intellectual level of your entire party's base, I am fairly sure that you meant every word.

Harry Homeless said...

Honey, it's called *Sarcasm* Alley for a reason. Read more posts to get a feel for the place, if you please.