Sunday, July 24, 2011

Top 10 Questions For George W Bush At A Rangers Game

Fric and Frac

I'll get my baseball bias out of the way right off and tell you I despise the Texas Rangers (except Michael Young, darn it). They have a mascot for a manager, Nolan Ryan has got a conservative streak a mile wide and worst of all they all suck up to GWB, the anti-Christ 43rd President of the United States.

In the 90's, having failed at previous attempts as a figurehead businessman, GWB was given a sweetheart deal by his cronies as general partner in the Texas Rangers where his only job was to show up at baseball games. Finally, something even Darwin's missing link can't screw up! He continues this habit to this day where the (ignorant, self-loathing) crowd often gives him a resounding welcome.

I understand, the respect is more for the office than the man. It has to be. But I started wondering what it must be like to sit next to the first great anti-Christ of the 21st century. How does one make small talk with a Hitler or a Genghis Khan or any other terrorist? Don't know about you but for me it would be awful damn awkward. "Pass the peanuts" just seems so inadequate.

"Pass the peanuts, jackass," might work though.

Uh, keep the peanuts on second thought

Now I know one should hate the sin and love the sinner and let the Lord take vengeance and all that so I hope I would let my inner Gandhi take over and see if I actually could be polite to the world's greatest living criminal. One should let one's natural curiosity flow through with honest questions without malice aforethought. And with that in mind, I came up with these few conversation starters were I ever to find myself in the proverbial hotseat:

1. So, start any wars lately?

2. Do you really believe everyone here loves you or is it that you all share in a common delusional thinking. You know, like a Nazi war rally.

3. Is shopping truly the answer to everything?

4. When you invaded Iraq was that because God wanted you to - or ExxonMobil?

5. Have you ever role-played with Laura where you're a pussy Democrat? (Wink! Wink!)

6. What's your definition of a war criminal?

7. If Republicans could think would you have ever won an election?

8. Did you use Procaine or speed to cut your coke? I bet you got some high quality blow back in the day, eh!

9. Did you ever try to run off when jogging with the war wounded?

10. Does being saved mean never having to say you're sorry?

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
George W. Bush Helps Break a World Record
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogVideo Archive

No comments: