Sunday, July 24, 2011

Blunt Force Trauma

17 is a good age to die. Hunter-killers tell you you got your whole life ahead of you and that's why you should live. But having my whole life ahead of me is why I want to die! I need to die. I keep finding out more and more stuff about me and it's never any good. When I leave, the world will be a better place.

I read about space satellites in science class and how if like a space rock or something hits them it makes their path go all haywire even if it's just a little bit at first. But each time it goes around the earth again it gets more and more out of line until finally it hits the earth's air and burns up - all from just that one tiny hit!

Maybe there are no tiny hits.

It wasn't no tiny hit when I got into a wreck in the mall parking lot last weekend. I was backing out and I didn't see the other car and the corner of my car hit the corner of senior Laura Johnson's car and her and her mom were standing over at a friend's car and they starting yelling and screaming at me like crazy.

"Oh, my God! I can't believe you did that you fucking piece of shit! How could you hit my car you goddam bastard twerp!"

"I just didn't see it."

"Didn't see it? How could you fucking miss it, you blind loser bitch boy who should die alone in a back alley!"

People been yelling at me for a long, long time. I used to try to think how maybe I might be OK anyway, maybe somehow in a way I didn't know. But now I knew for sure I was a bad guy. I couldn't say nothin' to Laura and her mom. I couldn't stop them from hanging me. Her mom comes over and gets right in my face wanting to know what I'm even doing there at a mall for cool people only. I couldn't answer that either.

Makes people glad when you die

You see, I'm a desperate leper outcast with no friends and no girls and no fun and no fucking. So what I do is hide in this secret spot in the mall behind where the girls sit with their low cut jeans and look down their pants. Later, I get home and think about it but of course I can't tell anyone about that or I'll get a whipping bad. I know already only certain boys can look at the girls' butts and I'm not one of them. They say the reason I do it is because I'm a sick pervert who should wander into the desert and die.

So I couldn't even look at Laura's mom, my whole insides was shaking and if they found out about me looking at the girls from my secret spot I'd get thrown in jail big time plus Laura's mom would really yell at me and maybe even knife me. I couldn't blame her. I told Laura's mom I went to the mall to buy stuff and she wants to know why I don't have any shopping bags on me. I just wanted to cry but had to hold it all in.

She's telling Laura the whole time to keep back and stay away from me before I do something to hurt her again. I'm a wild mad dog, she says, and you can't be too careful. She wants to see my wallet so she can sue me and take all my busboy money for the next two years and teach me a lesson on why I need to leave their school and city and state.

Only certain people are allowed to look

But I didn't have my wallet cause I just came to peek at the forbidden girls and here I already told her I was there for shopping! So she like totally explodes and says that's 'driving without a license' and she calls the cops so everyone can come and see what a criminal I am. When all the flashing lights show up some of Laura's friends come over and she tells them what a sorry creep bastard I am.

"I saw him!" says Laura's mom to the cops. "He was trying to run away after hitting my precious daughter's car. Put that little prick bastard in jail! I want him dead! I want him in prison for twenty fucking years. He doesn't belong in decent, civilized society. Nobody can live with him. I just pray to God the boys at school beat the holy shit out of him and he dies of a brain hemmorage."

Since I was the one that screwed up I couldn't say anything. One cop comes over and asks me if I been drinking or anything and why was I running away from the scene of a crime and why I don't have a license or nothin'. I just started telling him anything because Laura's mom is an adult so everyone's gonna believe her over me anyway but turns out the cops couldn't arrest me after all.

You can be arrested for not having a life

They told Laura's mom that 'driving without a license' means driving with no license issued, not just not having it with you. She got really pissed and kept pointing at me and I kept imagining all the people standing around watching me was wanting to burn me like a witch because why was I alive anyway and Laura and all her friends were flipping me off and calling me names I couldn't hear but their faces was all mad.

When I got home that night I found out the cops had already called and my parents were steaming mad, calling me crazy lunatic bastard shit making them look bad and their hair was all frizzed out from running their fingers through it while talking about how much they hate me and took a belt on me yelling, "die you shit, die!" I felt guilty when I was still alive the next morning.

That whole weekend I was scared. I couldn't go back to the mall ever again, if someone saw me they'd kill me for sure. I even drove by and cop cars were there patrolling and I know it was me they was looking for, protecting the girls inside from me and the cars outside from me. Laura's mom told them I was a lying prick and it was true. My whole world just kept getting more and more out of orbit.

What made it really bad is what happened last year with Jenny Anderson, the coolest girl in class, when I tricked her bad. I emailed her like I was someone else and we started talking and she liked it and we became email friends. But the guilt was killing me cause I knew if she ever found out it was me the desperate leper creep she would have me assassinated and there'd be nothin' I could do about it. So I started calling her mean names in the emails and hurt her real bad before she could find out.

I cried for six months after that. I was lucky I didn't have anyone who would talk to me because I couldn't talk anyway. Everything that was anything was gone out of my life. Now I knew everything they been saying about me was true. I made sure I hit me every night before I go to bed and I started drinking poison until they had to put me in the crazy hospital and people started talking to me but only cause they was paid. They said I don't ever communicate is what they said. Well, of course not! Not supposed to! Don't want to die!

So I was thinking about all that this weekend and was scared shitless what Laura and her friends was going to do to me at school on Monday but I had to do the right thing for once and communicate like them people said I should. I had to make up for the terrible things I do to people. So I went into the Principal's office and handed them my driver license with my personal info so Laura and them won't have any trouble suing me.

When they call Laura in she gets real mad all over again, confusing me cause I didn't even want to go in there and tell her about me anyway but she says I'm just doing it so I can be close to her and that I'm a total fucking creep who's better off dead. She gets her mom on her fancy I-Phone I can't afford and I hear her mom saying they need to call the cops and finally arrest me for all my creepy behavior. So I sit down waitin' for the cops to come all over again, wondering if I'm going to jail. I guess maybe I should be in prison after all, people want me there so bad.

I start getting really scared of making anybody else mad so I took off my shirt before the cops get there since everyone is saying I'm a loser creep jerk so I better look like one or they'll get even madder. But then this super sexist feminist comes in with this tight blue dress on and it's her job to deal with psycho people like me. She lays into me big time.

She says the only reason I ran into Laura's car was because Laura was a girl and if it had been a boy's car I would NEVER have done it and that I was nothing but a horny little bastard who wants to have sex with hot teenage girls and she bet I was traumatizing and victimizing them by looking down their shirts and pants as they showed their innocent bodies to my rapist eyes. And when she sees me with my shirt off she says that proves what I molester I am and she can't wait to have the cops show up and arrest me as a sex offender for life.

But the cops show up and say they can't arrest me for having my shirt off because then they'd have to arrest every boy in gym class. Super sexist feminist gets real mad at them saying they were giving me special treatment because I was a guy and they were guys and if I was a girl they'd drag me off for sure and traumatize and victimize her in court where she has to face creeps like me. All I knew was I was glad someone finally got yelled at that wasn't me.

I didn't try to do no more to help even though that made me feel real guilty. My parents had shaved off all their hair and started wearing nothing but sack cloths because they couldn't stand the shame of my existence and they asked God why they had been cursed and what had they done to piss Him off so bad to stick them with useless shit crap like me. If I had an answer I would have told them.

Those paid people was right. I do got my whole life in front of me. I really should kill myself. I see now that's why they kept telling me that! No way I can be right about anything when everyone else says something else. They got all the friends and family and fucking and money so they must know everything. I got nothing so I must know nothing. God never stuck up for me neither that I can ever tell.

So I will make everyone happy, I promise. I promise to leave and burn up in the atmosphere soon as I can, I can't take no more, not a whole life for sure! Just ain't no way out for bad people exceptin' to die.

When Katy Perry heard I used this song she got real pissed and said it applies to "NORMAL people ONLY! Not you, shit face!"

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