Monday, November 10, 2008

Who's the guy with the badditude?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!


She was adamant and unrelenting. "Your problem is your attitude. You won't even try!"

"Why should I try? It's ridiculous!"

"It's not ridiculous! It's your giving up that's ridiculous!"

"Well, I darn sure don't see you trying."

"I'm not the one going around complaining all the time. 'Woe is me! Poor me! I think I'm going to die!'"

"I am going to die. I am dying..."

"Then do something about it! You attitude has completely blinded you!"

"How am I supposed to do something when I can see no possible way it can work? You want me to put myself completely on the line and for what? It's suicide!"

"What do you care - you're homeless! You have nothing to lose. You should be willing to try anything."

"Anything that has a possibility of being viable. Grief and frustration and humiliation - thank you, I have all those already."

"That's just sheer negativity and I don't want to hear it anymore. You're fucking pathetic! I don't even know why I'm talking to you. You'll never amount to anything." And with that, she stormed off.

Lord, what a mind fuck. I mean, she was so sure of herself. Does she truly know something I do not? I must be losing my mind. Maybe I don't have a grip on reality. Shit, just thinking about this is making my head explode!


Several days later, lost and confused, beaten down by the utter conviction of her words I finally gave in. Maybe I really have been cheating myself all these years and I truly can have what I want. I don't see it and it doesn't make sense to me, but, hell, look at me. What do I know? She has a house and family, I have nothing. So I finally decided to "try".

It was a bit of a walk but I knew exactly where the place was. But I couldn't go in. After circling around for two hours, debating furiously on the wisdom of what I was about to do, my frayed being finally entered, visibly shaking and barely able to talk. Eyes were openly curious as I began to speak and I finally got it out that I somehow-really-sort-of-with-a-positive-attitude wanted to buy a Maserati.

The store manager threatened to call the police if I didn't leave immediately.

On the way back I couldn't decide who I was madder at: me or her. How could I let someone else do my thinking for me?? They don't know me! They don't know my situation - any more than I know how the hell they have homes and families. What a fucking farce! I'm so mad right now...

The storm I unleashed on her was not nearly as forceful as I'd hoped it would be nor sounded anything like my multiple rehearsals of it. When finished, she paid no mind to my froth and fury and dismissed it with: "I bet you just didn't try hard enough."

Can I die now please?

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