Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A Useless Me

"It's what people know about themselves that makes them afraid."

I'm patched up but I doubt ever to be whole again. I suspect...this is the beginning of the end. Dark, bitter moments still haunt me, aching for death. It's been a devastating experience. To think I engendered that much hate in another human being for my existence - that she would send actual assassins to eliminate me and my ill-favored feelings forever - it puts a new light on the falseness of my ways. I mean, I knew I was a creep, but this...

"Everybody is nobody without somebody."

A thousand thoughts and snippets of writing and rehashed conversations with Debby stream relentlessly through my mind in a literal fever. A fatal turn can come at any second; gurgling sounds in my stomach a defeating reminder. I fear the night, that's when the demons come out to play. The days of pretense are gone. My wife will be forever fucked by a left-wing banker even if he never knows her like I do. Who can live with such a thing?

"Moral on the moon
"But back in the worldly fray
"Does evil once more."

I don't know what it is about me and dishonesty. Seems I'm addicted to it. A trait I inherited from my father. Lies are a forever wall between you and paradise. You can convince the whole world of all your lies and yet your doom remains inescapable. I have to sit here and wait for all you moron fuckers to figure that out. But I don't think I can survive until you do. The buzzards are flying overhead, waiting for me to make one final slip, hoping I'll give up at last. One thing is for sure: there is no safety that comes from without.


A Useless Me

I could build a mountain
And still not see the sea;
I could fill an ocean -
With my ship no place to be.

A thousand million starving
I'd feed every living day;
But my heart would still be yearning
To find a loving way.

I could dream an English castle
And delight you as a wizard!
Yes, all these useful deeds
Leave me yet the mental lizard.

I ask my knowing Maker,
"How many fields do You need sown?"
But my Maker's feeling fine
With no fields of His own.

Kindness shown to others
Can be quite fulfilling,
But a life lived for others
Is so very chilling.

They praise me for my acts -
Say I'm a holy nation;
But I've not shared my love -
Life's true foundation.

So what's the use of me -
Whose love has not been taken?
Life is a futility
When your love's forsaken.

P.S. To the guy in Orlando, I have an IP tracker. Just in case you think you're being clever.

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