Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I got knifed

Blood under the sun. Oh dear God, it finally happened. Knifed by Debby's assassin in the late afternoon light. He stabbed me and kept right on walking; shanked like a rat in prison. Dear God, what do I do now? I'm all alone, hiding in the abandoned corner of a smelly alley...and bleeding.

What have I done? Here lies the sum total of my life. I don't really count after all. A fear is inside me I've never felt before. I clutch my stomach with one hand, scribble shakily with the other and my head leans against a wall of grimy bricks. I don't think anyone on the face of the earth is as lonely as I am right now.

It's strange watching yourself die. Time slows to a crawl, clinging to every last precious moment. Foolish hopes and desperate dreams finally fade to oblivion. You are what you are. I brought nothing to this planet and I leave with nothing. I'm not expecting my Maker to forgive me. I don't think this was the plan. Dear God, I don't want to die.

Life, love and living were always meant for others. But the sky and the moon and flowers were mine. Now, as I look to the sky, I see even that no longer belongs to me. You bastards take everything, don't you?

Oh, please, could you stop bleeding. My hand can't stop the flow of life out of me. Who but I dies like this? I can't even afford the expense of tears; my futureless ways exposed at last. They'll find me here and throw me and my notebook into the dustbin of forgotten history. Can I truly say I don't deserve it?

I needed Debby and I finally forced her to put an end to my pathetic pleas. Sooner or later my emotional crimes had to catch up with me. Jilted lovers join the French Foreign Legion and die forlornly in desert battles under false names. There's no hiding in the end. Dreams are meant to be - reject them at your own risk.

I keep staring at this wadded up piece of trash. At this point, just to spend a few more precious moments with it seems the most vital thing in the world. We're both fully useless now and discarded. But unlike me, I can see at some point in time the wrapper served a useful purpose. Whereas I've been wandering this lost globe never believing a word I've said.

No comments: