Monday, December 31, 2007

Hope (illusions of)

False hope, that’s what I’ve been living on. Doing this blog and its commentaries has gotten me hopes up, giving me an inexplicable sense of excitement and unfounded optimism. Had I been able to publish my book and make my film – no mean feats in any lifetime – maybe all my babbling on here would have some relevance. I was writing as if I were a celebrity blogger, that everyone should read it because of who I am. A sad plan of self-deception.

I can no longer feed myself this lie. I feel closer to death now than I ever have. I was broken a few nights ago. Something weighed on my soul so heavily that I was eventually forced to face it. So what was it that drove me to the edge of insanity? I needed a talk with Debby. A simple conversation. I deny, deny, deny – but in the end, I really can’t do without her. This is a source of much of my mental and emotional anguish. What hope have I of reaching her?

I thought if I spoke words of truth on my blog it would matter. Who knows if I have or not. I’m pretty scared myself and that can lead to self-serving comments. I used to think how vile it was when I read of the so-called nobles of yore mocking the idea of democracy and a rule by the common people. They are too stupid, they said, too unintelligent. Not that those fat pigs were speaking out of anything but self-interest, but perhaps they were right. I remember the story of the great Greek hero Thermisticles, who alone among all the Greeks faced the fact the mighty Persian empire was coming back to destroy them when all others had no interest in preparation. But what do you do when no one accepts the truth?

In Thermisticles’ case, he lied. He told the stupid masses something they would believe: of how a neighboring island was preparing to attack, thus he was able convince his countrymen to use the new found wealth from a silver mine to build war ships. Now there’s a case of political leadership. (Unfortunately, every lying politician since then has claimed to be doing it for the common good also). The path for me too is to create something that sells. (“Listen, Steve, a message from home!”)

I have a link to Flavia Colgan’s page here on my blog and I would sincerely give my eye teeth to meet her. She is an amazing person who makes me feel good just listening to her speak. She too has hope in the truth of life – but it’s through a filter of politics. As if souls can be saved if we elect the right people. It’s true that over the past seven years, America has chosen to destroy herself. There is no Thermisticles to save the Great Unwashed this time, political pollution bringing only poison. I wonder what Flavia’s life would be like were she to face that fact.

I’m not saying there's no hope. There is hope - in life (though not for the ways of the world). For me it was with Debby. When I imagine life with her, all the problems of the world fade away into nothingness. I could see Eternal Life with her. Once you have that, the fate of your body doesn’t seem so significant. Love truly is all we need after all.

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