Monday, March 12, 2007

Random Thoughts While Sitting On Campus And Listening To The Radio


"Why??" the man pleads. "Why can't I just keep doing what I did before? I don't understand." "Because, moron, you spent all your money. There's none left. You can't sit on your ass anymore. You have to work now or you'll starve!" "But I never had to before! If I didn't have to before, I don't have to now. And that's all the thinking I'm going to do!"

You thought my writing was racist. Well, OK, I am a racist. And a sexist and an age-ist and a hate-ist and a love-ist and a war-ist and a peace-ist and a reeses pieces-ist. I'm all the 'ists'. So now what? Fucker.

"My love for you's just not the same
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love won't stand the pain"

I love that song. I picture Queen Padme singing it and dancing to Vader who stoically stands unmoved. Maybe a whole Broadway musical on their relationship. The intellectual basis is there, despite Lucas' execution of it.

Remember that sign on the highway. God, I was out in the boonies that time! It was afternoon and sunny. "Cooper Lake Cooper" it read. "Cooper Cooper!" I laughed. I imagined a character named Cooper Cooper, first and last names both the same. And it so scarred him he felt he always had to get it out of the way any time he met someone. "Cooper Cooper's the name! My friends call me...Cooper!" For some reason I gave him an Australian accent. And since he's forced so hard to sell himself all the time he becomes a salesman. But doesn't really want to be.

Check out that chick. Jesus Christ she's smokin' hot! Never known anything but luxury her whole life. Her feet ain't ever gonna touch the ground. God I wish I had the nerve to go over and sit next to her. Then I'd ask: "Mind if I fart?"

I don't know which is worse: them thinking I'm dumb or them finding out I'm smart. How many more times am I going to have that thought in my lifetime?

Man, the feel of the campus is getting to me. I can feel its vibrancy and hopes and fears and energy. What a world. Debby knew all this, not me. I wonder what it was like for her. I miss her to my core.

"Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?
I been one poor correspondent, and I been too, too hard to find
But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind"

Christ, what timing. I'm getting goose bumps and my eyes are tearing. Put your head down and casually wipe your eyes. No one's looking. God I hate it when my childhood feelings come rushing back. There's no time for life.

Oh, good. They're arguing politics. Parroting politics is more like it, there's no thought in their words. But you can see the roots of what they'll become. Don't take my greed away, he says.

Man, if I do make it - if I ever did get out of here alive - I'll break the backs of every single one of them, I swear to God.


...so these are some of the things that run through your mind waiting on the goddam truck to pick you up stranded at a university construction site...it's like sitting on a hotplate and I can say nothing to no one...it's times like this I feel the shame and emptiness the most...please dear God, don't let Debby see this

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