Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Perfect Spy

Rain never depresses me. The night is cool and moonless and I hear the midnight whistle of the train. The whistle is lonely and filled with sorrow. I wonder what sins it has committed. But this is a good moment for me. When the world shuts itself in, I come out. Yes, dear world, you have me in your invisible prison but even you need rest from your wicked labors.

Debby has seen me naked but none else. But for her to expose me she would have to also expose herself. I am anonymity itself; unknowable. When people see you in my position - when things are plainly dire – they always want to know why. What are the pitfalls to avoid? But I have given up trying to explain. Mostly because I don’t understand myself.

“Even when you tell the truth, you lie…you are the perfect spy.” This was said to Magnus Pym in John Le Carre’s “A Perfect Spy”. Pym had been a role player all his life, never himself; a rootless feather in the wind. So naturally he was drawn to the “secret world” where meaning would be given to his Disingenuousness. But as his talents are used, he also uses them – a double agent to the world. Aching for a morality a liar can never have, he finds he has betrayed himself with no way out. For the true cause of his life was to be himself – as it is with every life…

The rain has stopped. Damn. I can barely hear the train now as it wails into the night. My friends have left - my identity changes. Now I’m the outcast loner, abandoned on a doomed planet. Standing outside of it all, I spy on you. You never hear my voice but I hear you respond to my accusations. TV, radio, the village square – everywhere. Constantly protesting your innocence, claiming victory in your life and assuming God’s blessing. These are the things you see when you’re a spy.

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