How To Say 'Fuck Off' 10 Different Ways

In a dog-eat-dog society there's nothing worse than a fellow dog needing help. But just because we are the assholes who dreamed up this nightmare world doesn't mean we want to come off as the assholes who dreamed up this nightmare. Can't pay your rent? "Fuck off!" It's the universal reply. But the compulsion to believe we're good people forces us to disguise our answers as we cheerily wave goodbye to our friends marched off to concentration camps.

So how to pretend to care when one really doesn't give a shit? There's an art to it, and if executed properly allows one to be cloaked in morality whilst giving the finger. Beautiful! Below are a few of my favorite examples I've heard while left dying in the road. It's good to know we think the best of ourselves and perhaps these phrases will come in useful in one's daily charade. Translation in parentheses.

1. God can do anything! (So I don't need to do anything)
2. Be optimistic. Things always work out in the end! (You'll be fed in debtor's prison)
3. I have faith in you! (Especially after the cocksucker says you have to finish waxing the entire hallway in one night)
4. Tomorrow is another day! (Of late rent fees)
5. Surely, there's someone who can help! (i.e. anyone but me)
6. We live in the greatest economic system in the world! (Must be something wrong with you)
7. You should try asking them for mercy! (Because you'll get none from me)
8. You should double check your situation. Maybe you're fine after all! (That will give me time to distance from you)
9. Think of it as a character building experience! God never gives you more than you can handle. (I promise to attend your funeral after the suicide)
10. People do win the lottery, ya know! (Fuck off)

See, the problem isn't too many mass shootings, but not enough. Take out 20-30% of the population and soon the message gets through we're all in this together regardless of any fake rules we make up that we pretend are life and death. In the meantime, have a nice day while dying!