TEENS TO BE CHARGED WITH ILLEGAL CAPITALISM
(AP) (Cocoa Beach, Florida) Four teens who laughed and videotaped while a man drowned were charged with illegal capitalistic practices today. A sheriff's spokesman displayed outrage in his statement. "You can't laugh at people's misery when it's outside the rules! These kids acted like they were at a Republican country club or something. It would be different if they were CEO's high-fiving about layoffs and how it would help their bonuses. That's normal behavior. But this is beyond the pale!"
In a similar incident last year, charges were considered for illegal capitalism as walkers stepped over a dying man in the famed South Beach district of Miami. A popular hangout for the rich and beautiful, charges were dropped as investigators determined the dying man to be "stinky and icky", and thus a harm to potential tourism profits. This drowning incident differs in that no marketing interests were harmed in the filming of it.
This incident also comes on the heels of "Roving BMW" gangs trolling through homeless camps mocking the dwellers with extended twenty dollar bills from their windows only to be yanked back at the last second. Derisive laughter was reported to be heard as many homeless children fell down and scraped their limbs in pursuit of the money laden cars. No charges were filed in that case though a conflict-of-interest was claimed by the victims as the gang's purported leader is also the chief-of-police's stockbroker.
Since the teens' cruelty cannot be tied to any financial gain it is considered an especially odious and hideous crime in the eyes of the public. However, one of the boys' fathers came to his defense. "No one feels bad driving past a jobless person dying the street. It's not your fault he's dying! Same thing here. It's not your fault that man was drowning. That's just the way the world works. Don't see why everyone's getting so angry about recording it."
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LIFE ABOARD THE S.S. KOOL-AID
(Lost at Sea) This reporter gasps as he steps down into the darkness of the ship's hold. Raising a lighter, I could see rows of chained rowers. A harrowing chill swept through my entire body, peering into an existence of eternal hopelessness - but the faces I saw were marked with a cruel happiness.
"We're chained for Jesus, just like he wants us to be!"
"We are filled with his light!"
"Come! Join us and be saved!"
I physically retched at the thought, almost losing my footing. How does one get to be like this, I shivered.
"Careful, don't fall! You are like all lost people, unaccustomed to the Way."
I had to ask what appeal they saw in their plight. "How can you stand the perpetual darkness day and night?"
"It's called faith, my son. We are people of faith, therefor we have no desire to see where we're going."
"But we're heading straight for the Reef Of Death that will rip this ship to shreds."
"Oh, that's the old way of thinking. The captain's shaking things up! We've been stupid avoiding the reef all this time and denying ourselves the riches on the other side. And anyway, we enjoy the naysayers! It gives us a chance to prove our fidelity. Say anything! We'll never listen - even if the ship sinks."
"I'm impressed! But not in a good way."
"Of course, you are lacking in understanding. Our ship is captained by our savior. He's got our back and protects us. Our captain is the only one who makes us feel good about being kept in the dark."
"So this is salvation?"
"Exactly so! Our captain will lead us to great riches! He's a force for good in the world, a force to be reckoned with. You can't beat him! Giggle, giggle! "
"But what of the reports he has thrown even his most loyal followers overboard so he could keep more of the riches found for himself."
"Fake news! He wouldn't have done it if they didn't deserve it! And besides, sounds to me like he was just being a good businessman. Nothing ever wrong with that."
"But what if he throws you overboard."
"I'll simply remain in denial of that possibility until it's too late to do anything about it. Problem solved! Besides, it makes us crazy happy when he pisses off the people who say we should come out into the light."
"Sounds like a plan! They say - realized or not - every person chooses to die for something, however stupid or nonsensical it might be."
"Too true! Too true! We're so glad we are saved and can't be deceived. There was a time this long-haired hippie creep libtard tried to trick us and say we should share and actually go up above into the light. That's not the Kool-Aid way! But we showed his ass!"
"How did you do that?"
"We crucified him on the mast just as Jesus would have done. No tolerance for evil communism! There's just enemies of our way of life everywhere! We're so afraid every minute of the day."
"Well, it certainly sounds like you're on your way to paradise."
"Indeed we are! Captain Dump is our one and true savior telling us everything we want to hear. And you know what? He promises once we get to the riches he's going to give us extra special Kool-aid to drink that will solve all our problems forever! Don't know why you wouldn't want to join us!!"
"Guess I'm just stupid."
"That must be it! Haha! I feel sorry for what history is going to say about you!"
************
PRESIDENT NERO BANS THE WORLD!
"Mr. Prezzident! There's like only 12 people left that still like you."
"We must do anything we can to retain them! I'm so scared for my insecurity!"
"We did a poll and found they all like war and hate gays."
"Perfect! Throw gays out of the military - now! I want every last fag, dyke, tranny, and bi-queer freak banned immediately. I only want good old fashioned pussy-grabbing Americans in there!"
"We're starting up your Twitter account as you so eloquently speak. But there are other divisive groups we need out of there too."
"Right you are! Put Jews on the list. Not good enough for my clubs then not good enough for the military. No one wants to shower with those uncut losers."
"Spoken like a true leader, mein kampf. This will certainly make your KKK backers very happy too."
"Good point. From now on, only Anglo-Saxon pure whites will be allowed. That sort of uniformity can only strengthen our forces."
"No one likes saluting a darkie, sir."
"I'm going to be sure to put that in my Twitter message!"
"We should ban Democrats too! They're all half-gay anyway. Would you want to trust your life to some libtard? Not me!"
"We're on a roll here! But that means only Republicans will be killed in a war."
"Just ban them too, sir! To keep them safe."
"But then that means only independents will become war heroes..."
"Too dumb to pick a party, too dumb to fight! Out they go!"
"More Twitter gold! But that still leaves the non-voters who might undercut and betray us. Dammit! Why is everyone trying to do us in?"
"Because they can't match your morality, sir! Non-voters we'll put in concentration camps and in your hotel properties as low-level workers. We'll reduce unemployment that way too."
"Damn, I'm a genius! I'm going to try sucking my own cock again!"
"Of course, the mean old left will say you're Hitler for putting people in your wonderful resorts camps."
"I'm my own man and listen to no one (except when I cry like a baby from watching Morning Joe)! Besides, I'm not Hitler - he's just my role model."
"I do believe you've finally created the perfect political statement. Not one person in the world will be qualified to join the military. That's a pretty high standard you've set."
"Somebody has to raise the bar around here. But I'm sure one of those so-called realists will say we can't ban everyone from joining up."
"That's a complete attack on our integrity and principles."
"You bet it is and I'll fight back every step of the way. Remember, the most important principle is maintaining the ability to lie to yourself. No one can like me if I don't lie. Slip just once and do the right thing and your life is ruined!"
"No danger of self-respect with us, sir!
"I have the best staff in the world! Say, not to be a paranoid schizophrenic, why do the call this TWITter, anyway? Does that mean it's just for twits?? Have I in reality been acting like a twit all this time?"
"Can't be, sir, if someone as great and wonderful as you is using it."
"OK, but I can't stand all these people saying I do things only from a position of insecurity. From now on I want it called TRUMPer, because I OWN it!"
"We'll get right on it, sire, in the most fanatical and sycophantic way possible. From now on Twit and Trump will be interchangeable!"
"That'll show all them stupid people just how smart we are. It's all about doing things the new way - and the new way is ME."
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