"The right Honorable Sinator Dickhead calls this investigation to order!"
"We Dickheads have taken over and there's nothing anyone can do about it! HAHAHAHAHAHA! God wants us in charge! That makes everything we do OK. It's good to be God!"
"We call to testify an amoral CEO who shall be questioned on behalf of the people!"
"Mr. CEO, we have verified reports and actual water samples of water with coal dust in it. The fish are dead, the water undrinkable, and this break in the chain of the fragile ecosystem has wreaked environmental havoc that may never be reversed, violating in the grossest manor our role as stewards of this planet as demanded by God!"
"Sinator, trust me when I tell you scumbags that you are victims of fake news."
"I have some questions for you, sir. People are sick from drinking your water and the American public is outraged by your behavior which I have so morally denounced. And I would like to remind you before you answer that you are under oath. So this we must know: Are you rich? Are you white? Will you donate to my campaign?"
"First, Sinator, I want to thank you for the opportunity today to clear my name of these baseless allegations and set the record straight. I feel honor bound to answer truthfully and my reply to all your probing questions is an emphatic 'Yes'."
"If only I lived in these times! I'd never be impeached!"
"Thank you, sir, for your compelling testimony. I just want to say it sickens me to hear the constant carping and whining of certain groups today who attack the business community without any regard to law and order or the American Way! As for the illegality of dumping poison into the environment, we'll simply change the law and you'll be in good moral standing once again."
At the ensuing press conference, Sinator Dickhead was ebullient. "It's clear today we have proven that the process works. My constituents had concerns, we investigated, and the situation has been resolved. We live in the greatest democracy in the world! Vote now and often!"
"But Sinator, wouldn't you say you were merely providing cover for corporate criminality by whitewashing the situation in staged Kabuki with irrelevant questions?"
"This is why people hate the biased media, interjecting your own opinions! When are we going to get objective, balanced reporting from you traitors? I going to strip you of your credentials!"
"Let me rephrase that, Sinator. I agree with anything you say and your committee is doing outstanding work protecting and serving the American people."
"There you go! Now that's real reporting. Sometimes you clowns forget that your purpose is to be an extension of the government as we ourselves are servants of the people. Praise the Lord!"
Protesters surrounded the Sinator as he exited the hallowed halls of power.
"My mother is dying in the hospital from the poisoned water that CEO polluted. What sort of monster are you to let him off the hook like that?"
"Let's not forget I'm the most moral man here because I'm the one who's elected. And it's not me, it's the corrupt system. If I don't support pollution I can't get elected to do the good work I need to do. So obviously, we need to destroy the system!"
"You, Dickheads! There's no possible grounds in all of humanity for poisoning people! You are a person without conscience, morality, or decency! I hope you burn in hell!"
"You, shut up, you anarchist freak of nature! You are denigrating America and I won't stand for it. I hope your mother dies, you little shit!"
You people are jeopardizing the safety of corruption!
After the video went viral, many in the Pee Party ("Piss on everything!") cheered the Sinator wildly for his courage and honesty of "telling it like it is." They also attacked the media for distorting the Sinator's words ("We know what he really means!") and for blowing it out of proportion ("What's one more person more or less? People die every day!").
The Sinator later performed a heartfelt apology for the incident without laughing once. Commenters lamented the split in the country and "Why can't we be one and all rally around corruption? We are duty bound to do so as citizens. God bless America!"
At the after-party to the hearings the Sinator and CEO made mad passionate love, giggling in bed like teenagers, trying to make up for youth spent as high school losers. "It gets me so hot to stand up there and say God hates homosexual behavior and no one says a single word of my blatant hypocrisy!"
"This is the dawn of a new era. My "Give corruption a chance" PAC is being flooded with donations. I love fucking those damn environmentalists and there's nothing they can do about it except whine in their stupid protests which only make us stronger as they devote all their energy to us."
"This is our time. It's blessed by God to be corrupt! We can walk under the sun without fear no matter who we screw. The people have spoken!"