Monday, October 24, 2016
It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad (Corporate) World
"Hey, Phyllis, why are you climbing out the window?"
"Joe in accounting got it from corporate it was a good idea to come out here and jump off the ledge. We can save the company money that way and be good employees!"
"You really think that's a good idea?"
"Look, buster, I'm not one of those negative nabobs who goes around questioning everything, OK? You heard what the CEO said: We have to trust each other!" And then she leapt.
Apparently she decided I was not worth trusting. Then I saw Joe in accounting.
"Hey, Joe, you look great in that pink tutu."
"Thank you! It's part of the new mandated way for team building! Isn't it exciting!"
"Nothing like blind mandates to give our lives meaning."
"Took the words right out of my mouth!"
Then I saw Susie making these strange pantomime motions as if she were shoving something aside. "What's that you're doing there, Susie?"
"I'm practicing loading Jews into the oven."
"But you said you would never do that!"
"HR said I can only verbally object once to a VP decision then have to go ahead and do it anyway."
"But we can be sued for tens of millions of dollars! That's a total betrayal of the company."
"HR said I can go on an unpaid of leave of absence. The company doesn't matter, only the careers of our VPs."
"But you're a Jew!"
She had no answer to that and I began to wonder just what is our true agenda around here. Then I heard a whacking sound and a woman moaning.
"Annette! You're naked!"
"I'm pairing with Paul Gaffney! He said office spankings will greatly up our productivity. See how agile I am??"
"It will greatly up something," I muttered.
"He said this was his debased fantasy and would make us world class just like real companies do."
"OK, good to hear. For a minute there I thought he was a just a sick, self-serving pervert pulling the wool over the business leaders."
Then I saw Tina putting on the tiniest mini skirt I'd ever seen. "Wow, Tina, I wouldn't bend over in that!"
"Giggle, giggle! I'm going to be a corporate whore! I'm headed out onto the streets soon as I'm ready. Hands are tied! Nothing I can do! I've got orders!" Her excitement was unmistakable.
"But being a whore is a bad thing."
"Oh, I know. It's completely awful. We can't be running a serious business this way."
"So you're not going to do it?"
She acted as if I never spoke, adjusting her wig as the final touch. "There. Do you think I look OK? Think I'll be pleasing enough? Well, off I go! Our leaders will be so proud of me!"
Harlots, hanky-panky, and half-wits. Can I really be seeing this? Is this how people devolve in an insular world of perpetual profits? Is everyone's secret fantasies and repressed childhoods being played out before my eyes? Is it true that the real problem with corporate corruption is that it's legal? I went to CEO Aaron's office to find out.
Aaron was proudly standing on his ten thousand dollar mahogany desk. "I've just pissed in my pants and nobody can do anything about it!" Three sycophants sitting on the floor applauded wildly at the CEO's remarkable display of power - if not sanity. Then a messenger boy came running in.
"Oh, great genius lord, customers are complaining of our new bricks made without straw. What shall we do?"
CEO Aaron raved. "That was my policy and my policy cannot be wrong! Find who's in charge of brick making and fire him, he's obviously not carrying out my order correctly!" The three sycophants agreed wholeheartedly. "Also, shoot the messenger." The sycophants shot the boy amid gleeful Nazi laughter convinced might makes right. "Little bastard was making us look bad. Remember, when I fuck up we're a team. When I do well, it's all me."
The madness of the king CEO was boundless. "You must trust me! Trust me with your life, your future, your soul! I will make your decisions for you, raping you in a sublime corporate culture detached and disconnected from any and all reality you fear. We are the gods of the world, we live the best as little people wallow in our mandated mud. Kiss my golden calf!"
I ran out fast as I could, stumbling down the stairs and out into the fresh air of the back alley, the only place free of corporate creatures - or so I thought. First, I looked up to see Phyllis still in a free fall. Surely she's seen the light now.
"Hey, Phyllis, how's it going? Looks like you're about to be a good employee!"
"So far so good!" She gave me a thumbs up before splattering on the sidewalk. Then I look over to see Tina by the dumpster being pounded from behind by an Indian man wearing nothing but an apron while chanting in an accent, "Sales Force! World Class Software!" He looked at me and winked. "I get to do this every month - forever!" Tina waved cheerily to me, speaking between moments of obviously severe anal pain.
"See you - ouch! - Sunday - ouch! - in church - ouch!"