Turns out hell does have a kitchen!
One thing I've never talked about is my time inside for my crime of expressed sexual desire. I realize I'm being made to pay for the sins of others, and those who want to help, heal - and those who don't want to help, hurt. But those who hurt in the name of healing are the biggest monsters of all (and the most common). I just hope I get to see the day when those masks are forever removed. In the meantime, it just sucks.
And I realize saying all this is like being Napoleon stuck inside an insane asylum filled with nothing but people who think they're Napoleon, my words carry no weight; damned if I do, damned if I don't. "...but, but I really am Napoleon!"
The hypocrisy is this: Ask you average middle aged father what makes him angrier: his 17 year old daughter being flashed in the park by a middle aged man or finding out her 17 year old boyfriend has knocked her up. At first blush, 99 out of a hundred will explode at the first scenario and be mute on the second. That's because he can't picture himself doing the first one and pounds his moral chest in righteousness and he's going to kick that guy's ass in parental outrage, etc, etc. But on the second one he can picture his 17 year old horny self doing that and thus hesitates to condemn. Same scenario plays out with petty robbers vs. white collar robbers. It's all bullshit.
Don't reciprocate, guys!
So if one runs around even half-naked in front of hot girls one is set up to take the fall for society's vast hidden perversions. (Well, hidden if you don't look, anyway). And that's when one gets to witness the underbelly of those who feel they have carte blanche to act as they wish with no repercussions. "What you do unto the least of you, you do unto me," is one of the most rebuked sentiments done on a daily basis - many by self-proclaimed Christians! Those on the receiving end get revealed too.
There's the hard guys who accept jail as just part of the game - even a quasi-support system to their lives. They get known by the police and that familiarity means something to them even as they scoff. Some people are out of control in their lives, grasping for answers (won't find them here!). Some are mixed up kids either getting more scared or more angry. But just as in the real world where the only two groups in actuality are the haves and have-nots, in jail it's the survives and survive-nots.
I was in the second group.
So was Vincent Lee Daniels. This was county jail but Vincent was pulling a long term here because state prison had no room for him. Since I couldn't cope with a cage I looked for others like me to see how they made it through the day. Vincent used straight out denial. As far as he was concerned he was in the Bahamas! That was his mental "out". I was like, "OK, I understand that but don't think I can go that far." Then again I was a short timer and knew it. I adapted his strategy to a degree but only as a quant, measured but not embraced.
Record Company Executive: Your fans are church folk, Johnny. Christians. They don't wanna hear you singing to a bunch of murderers and rapists, tryin' to cheer 'em up.
--Walk The Line (2005)
Boy, did I jump up and applaud when I heard that line! But don't anyone else count on a Johnny Cash concert or anything like it in their lifetime now. Let me ask you this: how many people who live under the thumb of cops praise cops? That's when you get to know someone, when you live at their mercy. After seeing these jerks up close and personal, I felt for their families and kids and what their lives must be like living in the same house. Recalls a lot of bad memories for me.
God talking to cop/jailor standing before Him: "Why did you mistreat my children so?"
Cop: "That scum deserved it! That's the only thing they understand. I was making the world a better place!"
God: "So am I." Then God pulls the lever to open the shaft below the cop's feet. Jesus by his side spoke. "Shame that's the only thing he understands."
Imagining scenarios like that is my coping mechanism and when I shared this with Vincent he loved it and we formed a lifeline. He actually got into that therapy a bit as well but when I tried his it had a horrible aftershock when I came back down out of denial where I fell into a black pit of despair. Scared the living hell out of me. Back to my standard repression mode.
But the psyche "doctor" - aka Nurse Ratched, aka Josef Mengele, had plans for Vincent. I was boiling mad when they dragged him in. "Oh, he's delusional. Thinks he's in the Bahamas." Doesn't matter what he thinks, cocksuckers, he's in fucking jail regardless you lying morons. They just wanted to fuck somebody over because they enjoy it and can get away with it in this dark world. Just know when God does ask you why you acted like an asshole that any answer is wrong (especially, 'Someone told me to do it"). Just repent.
So they needed to break him, to "bring him back to reality." Like those idiots have any clue as to reality for if they did they'd treat him like the most precious object on the planet. Instead, they delighted in showing him the hell he was in, the futility of life on the outside even when he did get out, what a loser he was, and that his life was over. "Get that through your head." Drove them nuts to think even one person was escaping the suffering they induced.
The outcome was predictable. Suicide. So-called "realist" inmates condemned Vincent but truth is they're just scared fuckers too, terrified of their own fate. Having driven a man to suicide his murderers only doubled down in their guilt - they also (justly) fearing for their future. Talk about your losers! And I understand the rationale that says, "Denial is always bad." But people looking to apply formulas in life without thought or context are just tools of the state.
And my truth is, could Emily et al see this blog I'd never post this. And yeah, what about my future? The curtains are drawing to a close.