"You know how you can tell when you're voting against your interests?
"Anytime you're standing in a voting booth."
From my appearance on "Defeat The Press"
"Mr. Homeless! You're known as having the greatest political mind of the 21st century. To what do you attribute this?"
"But you must take an interest! The future of our country depends on it!"
"If the future of the country depends on my interest then you must bring me Maria Sharapova at all costs. Tell her it's for the good of the nation!"
"Everyone pretends to disdain politics but we all must be responsible in the end."
"I quite agree. Responsibility will end interest in political machinations."
"But what about the protest movement of Donald Trump! Oh, the humanity!"
"What about those legs on Miss Sharapova! Oh, the curves!"
"This is so defeating..."
"You defeat yourself."
"Are you seriously going to say you have no interest in who becomes President? It's one of our most sacred duties as a citizen. It shapes our fate."
"Some people say if we change our laws it will change our hearts - or worse, dis-obligate the need for a good heart. But we know the truth is law follows the heart, not the other way around. How can I vote someone to have a good heart?"
"Then vote for the best heart!"
"Then I vote for Maria!"
"You better start being serious or I'll throw a tantrum!"
"A tantrum out of civic conviction or feeling threatened on having to earn an honest living outside inane conversation?"
"Reporters pay rent too."
"There's no law that limits one only to the artificial."
"We've set you up as a pundit, dammit! Be quotable!"
"OK, America is like a great ship floating on a river of greed. We all know rivers of greed lead to a fatal waterfall of doom. This is why we live in fear. It's not because we're afraid of what others might do to us. We're afraid because of what we do."
"Oh, Christ. I just felt our ratings drop 50%."
"How about a handicapping of the contestants, then?"
"Oh, please, please! We must have debates and disagreements!"
"OK, Bernie is called a socialist but really he's the only capitalist running as we live in an upside down world. He's the only one believing in making the system work. See, Americans fear socialism as a great transfer of wealth but what we've had here since 1980 is the greatest transfer of wealth in human history - all the while proclaiming we're followers of capitalism! Greedy fucks that we are, if a nickel is transferred to a poor person we scream death and anarchy, but if a trillion is transferred to the rich we're mum as church mice. Only Bernie wants to end that transfer."
"Then you must vote for him! Gotcha, bitch!"
"One may slow down a ship on the river of greed, but not change its fate."
"But what if we put mommy in charge this time?? Unprecedented! Game changer! It proves our merits as human beings!"
"Yes. In the end everyone votes himself as Jesus. But Shrillary is Lady Macbeth incarnate. Let your anger pin your hopes on that!"
"So Trump and Cruz must save us then!"
"Yes! Just as Caligula and Nero (respectively) saved Rome to "make it great again." Every empire in decline grasps onto false prophets to keep the lies alive. Sounds like a plan."
"Gawd, you're depressing. You make it sound like we're all wasting our time ignoring our personal lives in order to busy ourselves on the lives of others."
"Well, look at it this way. Would you give a flying fuck about your so-called civic duty if you could choose between voting or Maria Sharapova? Live first, ask questions later."
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are.