Tuesday, December 29, 2015

The Un-Savior

For he so hated the world
he gave his only misbegotten son
so those who deny will perish.

"I thought you said you were smart, Harry."

"Smart ass, not smart."

But that was only the beginning as the whole room was against me.

"I remember you saying that too, Harry. I distinctly remember the word 'genius' being thrown around."

"Harry's always acting like he's the smartest one in the room."

Actually, that happens when I forget to act. Three on one, kicking me in the nuts right out of the blue. Look at all those shit eating grins. Any opening and they dive right in. Wise guy who started this continues his assault now he has his team lined up. We'll call him Curly.

"Look at this year end stories list! ISIS tops them all. They'll take out the whole world! And we're looking at Emperor Trump turning the White House into a casino. The streets are the Wild West with the cops and the crazies shooting everybody in sight. Climate reform is a joke, cats sleeping with dogs! What can we do, Harry? What does the genius say??"

I lend one eye over to Curly looking at him like the mental glue-sniffer that he is. Sad part is, in a way I envy that. Moe and Larry take the silence of my dismissal as a sign of weakness.

"Einstein Harry to the rescue!"

"Give us the answer! There must be an answer! We're waiting..."

I'll test how serious they are in their ribbing.

"I always thought the answer was to blame the Jews. Simple answers for simple minds!"

"Who you callin' simple?"

"Yeah, give us a real answer."

"My brain hurts!"

Painful as it can be, I suddenly see the wisdom of our God given mortality. Not dead yet, though.

"Turns out I do have an answer." Then I flash a winning smile.

"Bullshit!" "Yeah, right!" "Whatever..."

Time to turn the dance around. "OK, you came to me. Suit yourself. Have a nice ignorant life."

That buzzed around their dusty heads for a few moments, unsure how the shoe got on the other foot but helplessly determined to go forward.

"OK, what is your answer then?"

Six expectant eyes stared upon me. Dramatic effect required I pause. "Why would I tell you guys? Part of intelligence is in not trying to figure everything out."

"I knew it. You're full of shit."

"He just pretends to be a smart guy!"

I "fall" into their predictable trap. "OK, you got me. But not like you think. What you guys don't get is I don't want to save the world. I want to destroy this shithole so we can build something real. I'm keeping the answer to myself."

"You're keeping it because you don't know!"

"He just wants to act like he's right and everyone else is wrong."

"He can't destroy the world anyway."

"Sure I can. I use my secret weapon all the time. Works like a charm. You guys really want to debate on whether or not the world is falling apart? Go ahead, defend it, ISIS-lover."

"We're not going to listen to your negativity!" "Some parts of the world are seemingly just fine!" "Shit, OK, what is your secret weapon??"

"Nah, you hurt my feelings. Don't feel like talking now."

"You can't con us. You can't defeat the whole world. Brilliant scientists are working on solutions every day. Hand crafted political solutions are being constructed. We're only getting smarter. It's you who is the dummy! Tell me how you can deny all that!"

Oh, the triumphant looks on their blank faces. "Oh, easy, " I drawl. "I let them think they're right."

I wish to God I had an X-ray of their brains at that moment, the amount of crashing gears and flywheels flung outward must have provided a hilarious sight to the gods. Words would start to sputter out then falter like an engine coming to life. Finally, a completed sentence was able to escape.


I then clicked on the TV remote. "Hey, look! A 'Fast and Loud' marathon. I like the part where they drink beer."

"You're an idiot!"

"You're a fucking idiot!"

"You're a stupid fucking idiot!"

Should I tell them they'd be less bitter if they just simply became my blind disciples? "Quiet! Aaron is explaining air ride suspensions."

"Harry don't know nothin'. There's no secret weapon."

"If you had a real answer you'd come out and say it anyway. Yes, sir, you would!"

"He can't say nothin' 'cause he's scared. He's scared everyone will laugh at his stupid dumb answer."

Why am I suddenly getting the urge to put out roach traps? "The only thing that scares me is you three are eligible to vote."

That only stirred up the hornet's nest further with an outpouring of blabbering, perhaps in a fit of subconscious guilt. Sometimes you have to give barking dogs a bone.

"OK, OK! You want an answer? You really want a answer? I'll give you an answer: the answer is love."

After a stupefied moment all three broke out laughing.

"Knew he had nothing! Love won't help anything. Any dummy knows that!"

"You gotta have armies around the world so we can have wars and be safe!"

"You need complex geo-political negotiations between strife torn lands to keep the world divided."

"You need large scale all-encompassing blackmail to keep people in line using fictional concepts like money."

"Love won't bring any of that! Ha ha ha."

Like many people, the stooges are only eloquent when in the wrong. Spouting moronic mantras of the world gave them a feeling of support that allowed them to feel smart and special. Sort of like voters. My response was to switch channels to check out Erin Burnett's tits. This filled my three companions with smug confidence, assured I was unable renounce their arguments.

"Got nothing to say now, do you?"

"Kumbaya boy just wants to give everyone a big hug and solve all the problems in the world!"

"We just owned your ass! Shut you up like a child! Come on, hot shot, what do think of that!?"

Careful not to let my eyes wander off Erin's bountiful breasts, I (deliberately) mindlessly replied: "I think you're right."

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