Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Weapons Of Mass Instruction

It began in the Crimea, a place of ancient wars. One of Putin's Pussies (Hint: If you want to be a real man don't let someone else do your thinking for you) raised his rifle in smirking superiority. However, when he tried to fire, the bullet went backwards, killing the soldier instantly. Soon it spread to every Russian weapon. If a tank tried to fire it blew itself up. Bombs detonated on airplanes. Artillery backtracked to the spot from where it was fired.

Back in Moscow, panicking Putin pissed his pretty pants. "We are completely vulnerable! Everyone will make fun of me! How can I be a strong man without weapons? I am nothing without guns!" Around the globe every man, woman and child laughed at the helpless loser exposed as the coward of the country. His many billions in assets were seized by a now undeceived populace. "Why did we think he ever deserved it?"

The condition spread with soon every middle east weapon backfiring. Stubborn American troops sustained heavy losses. "Our guns won't misfire. Things like that don't happen to us. We are America, we are the exception!" Eighty percent of American fighters died a self-destructed death, refusing to believe "God would ever betray us." The fanatical Taliban lost one hundred percent. Militaries around the world found themselves as useless as yesterday's newspaper. Cry as they might, they had no say in the new world order.

All the latest in insecurity

North Korea saw the chance of a lifetime, launching her nuclear missiles in full confidence of world domination. But she only succeeded in wiping the ruling family off the face of the earth. Still, back in America, despite the growing evidence the White House was taking no chances. "We must maintain security! What if we stopped our drone strikes and an attack happened? History would mock us until the end of time!" But of course the drone strikes only took out the White House - leaving the dead to be mocked by history until the end of time.

The Great Weapons Debate ensued. "This cannot be permanent! One day our weapons will fire as they did before. We must keep our armies and defense, never letting go! Do not dare to believe!" In some countries, they did dare, liberal voices ascending to power. With the military drain removed from their economies, they surged as world trade leaders. Those countries mired in the past warned, "You'll be sorry. Just wait an see!"

Soldiers wailed in agony. "How can my life have meaning if I can't kill anyone? Someone please call me a maggot." Many hardcore conservatives continued to self-destruct in attempts to prove their point of view still valid. "I've made five hundred million dollars and have tens of millions of followers. Who dare say I am wrong? I will fire any weapon anywhere anytime. My life has not been useless energy spent." In this way they continued to be picked off until nary a conservative voice was left alive.

"Who will be the last man to die of a self-inflicted wound?" This became the question of the day. Every hour came reports of those literally dying to be the hero to prove weapons were still the way. Very slowly, the worldwide rate started to drop. Children were the first to catch on, throwing away toy guns and army men. Many horrified parents created military academies to ensure the continued "responsible" torture of their offspring. But this generation too died off.

The "Obedient Ones" refused to accept the new ways of the world, mocking who they called the "Naive Ones." They continued in their failed goosestepping for glory. "Better to die preparing for war than irresponsibly living life." But as time passed, those who prepared for life won the day while the stubbornly proud and defiant ones languished worshiping altars made of munitions, praying to eye-less ear-less empty metal. And then there were none.

It was a new kind of freedom - a kind of freedom many thought impossible to be. A new kind of energy was unleashed sweeping the world to fresh realizations of what life could be. The meek who'd refused to war became the exalted "Trusted Ones" of the earth. With eyes opened, no man sought to "further his inner war" but rather to heal it. How futile those old weapons of mass destruction! Despite being proclaimed "the only way to be safe" the exact opposite proved true. Ultimate life comes without firing a shot.

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