He came through the front door of the house with packages under each arm nudging open the door with his knee. "Honey, I'm home. I got you the things you wanted just like you said, even if it did take my whole paycheck."
"You motherfucker! What have you done now?"
"What do you mean? I'm just trying you make you happy..."
"I don't believe you. You must have done something wrong for you to be doing all this."
"I can't just care?"
"Hell fucking no."
"I don't know what to say to that."
"Of course not. You're a fucking liar like all men are. Goddam dog."
"You bitch at me when I don't do what you want and you bitch at me when I do. I can't win!"
"Damn straight, you can't."
"I don't believe this! I don't know what else to do! Nothing gets through to you."
"None of your shit gets through, asshole. I already know everything."
"Oh, you do, do you? You know everything I feel?"
"I know even without knowing. So quit your whining."
"There's nothing I can do to prove I care?"
"What if I -"
"Don't want to hear it. Mind's made up. Fucking loser."
"But why won't you believe me?"
"You have to ask?"
"You're just a man. Men are dogs. They don't care about anyone or anything but what's between your legs. You're not fooling me. I ain't falling for your shit."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"Eat shit and die. I'm finding me a real man. One who doesn't care like you do, you lying sack of shit."
"My feelings just don't mean anything to you, is that it?"
"You can take your phony feelings and hit the road. Take those damn packages with you too. Frickin' jerk. I don't frickin' believe your damn ass."
"Live on set, it's the Opal Humphries Show! Today's topic: Men suck!"
"I'm telling you, Opal. Men are dogs. You do everything to please them, spend your last cent on them and they still aren't happy."
"You go, girl!"
"It's a no-win situation. Do what they want and they aren't happy and don't do what they want and they be pitching a fit like you've never seen!"
"You said it! They're just impossible."
"Life is what you make it so I'm making mine good. Get that dog out of your life, girls. Don't take none of his shit!"
Wild applause for not taking shit.
"I think we've learned a valuable lesson here about not falling for the lies men tell. We've got to wise up, girls! The next time a man tells you he cares about you, don't believe him! I'm Opal Humphries and that's the word!"
"This is Dick Peters reporting from the United Nations. Negotiations have broken down in the peace talks once again. Everyone knows why but it's important we pretend not to. Hardliners insist accepting peace will result in the destruction of mankind. Who's to say who's right or wrong? The following clip is from today's talks."
"Believe me, I truly want peace. I'll give you all that you're asking. I just want to end this conflict."
"Bullshit! I don't believe you! You can't fool me with peace, love and understanding."
"Who's trying to fool anyone? Don't you know when something's real?"
"Of course I do! But I'm taking no chances on believing anything good. Drone everyone and ask questions later. History will speak well of me."
"History will remove the gauze from your eyes and force you to see that you are ensuring your doom by furthering this conflict."
"I don't care. I'm doing it anyway."
"Here, let me show you this footage of soldiers digging their bullets out of bodies to hide their criminal actions. Just how do you think this can end up well?"
"I'm literally closing my eyes and if you keep talking I'm pulling my ears off."
"They are doing these things in your name and the name of your people. You must know in order to survive!"
"Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, I can't hear you!"
"With his hands clasped over his ears and humming loudly to drown out any further conversation, the President expressed disappointment today in the negotiations afterwards, lamenting the quote 'absurdly intransigent positions and refusal to keep an open mind' unquote by the opposing country."
Back at the house, two girls were talking excitedly in the kitchen.
"I got me a real man now."
"That's great! And you were totally awesome on Opal Humphries."
"She's a bitch in person. It's all a put-on for the camera. Her problem is she needs to get herself a man."
"Oh, I believe it! All she wants to do is dog men because she can't get one of her own."
"Yes, some women are like that. They can't be objective at all. Just crazy."
The front door slammed open. "Hey, bitch, where the fuck are you? Can't you greet me when I get home?" boomed a voice from the other room.
"There's my sweetie! Gotta go!"
"You're such an angel to put up with him."
"Oh, don't you know it! The bastard!"
She ran breathlessly into the living room. "What can I do to please you, sir?"
"Suck my dick and fix me dinner."
"Yes, sir. Right way, sir. I love you soooo much!"
"Stop talking and put your mouth to better use while I watch TV."
The nightly news began blaring courtesy of the remote control idol. The newscaster was lamenting the breakdown of the ever continuing peace talks.
"Dammit, what's wrong with people? Don't they know you gotta have war? Them other people's trying to kill us! We gotta kill them all first. That pussy President of ours will never figure that out."
"I'm through swallowing, sir. May I start dinner now?"
"Hell, yes, you dumb bitch! Do I have to figure out everything for you?"
"Thank you, sir, you're the best. I know you can fix the world! I'm so happy now I'm not living a lie."