Sunday, January 05, 2014

The Gods Must Be A-holes!

"Let's find us some humans to toy with and torture!"

"Did you find another one?"

"Yes! Yes! Dropped him right into the Maze!"

"Oh, goody! Let's go watch. It never gets old no matter how many souls we snatch."

Unseen and unknown, the gods played their games lie Venus fly traps waiting for victims. The weak, the blind, the willfully ignorant - the gods care not why you fall, only that you do.

"I hope he's a big dummy!"

"They're the funniest!"

"There's the man in funny clothes. He really thinks they make him special! Let's listen in."

The Maze was inescapable. But the sheer size of it gave false hope - if only temporarily. This presented a dilemma for its inhabitants: Explore and lose all hope or sit still and forever wonder of the truth. This made for a predatory situation of vampires and zombies, one drowning soul clinging to another, the blind leading the blind. "Success" in the maze was a relative term, indeed.

The man in the multicolored coat spoke to the maze's newest entrant.

"Smile and rejoice, my son! You are saved! No longer do you wander lost among the free. Salvation has reached you."

"I heard this could happen! You mean I finally made the right decision? Oh please do my thinking for me."

"Yes, my son. They don't call it A-Maze-ing Grace for nothing! Guidance is what I'm here for, to give life purpose and meaning. And besides, letting me guide you gets me really hawt!"

"Come unto me!"

"That's a good thing, yes?"

"Very good! The gods very much want me to fuck you in the ass right now!"

"Wow, when I was free and stupid I thought that the worst idea ever. But now I'm saved and holy and you promise me it will please the gods - "

"You have no idea how much it will please them! You'll be a favored child for sure. Your butt will serve a higher purpose."

"OK, let's get it on. I want all the saving I can get!"

The gods were, in fact, very much amused.

"Listen to him squeal! We've got a special one here."

"Yes, let's call him Super Pig. Let the adventures of Super Pig begin!"

Super Pig left rubbing his butt while promising to return weekly to the declared holy man. It wasn't long, however, until he ran into a dreaded Malcontent.

"Just got ass-fucked, eh, buddy?" smirked the Malcontent.

"Yes, sir! The holy man was really proud of me and the gods are pleased too. Life really is about doing for others."

"Good to see you've got it all figured out."

"Was lost but now I am found!"

"Tell me something, if that guy had been wearing shorts, a beach shirt and sandals would you have let him fuck you like that?"

"Oh, of course not! I'm not just some sucker who fell off the turnip truck."

"Well, that's what he was wearing before he saw you coming down the path, turnip breath. Kinda makes you think, huh?'

"No! I don't have to think! I'm saved. What kind of person are you spreading lies like that?

"They call me the Malcontent. But don't let my truths get in the way of your happiness."

"Indeed I won't! I'm going to find me some positive people and leave you to yourself."

"Sounds like a plan. Hope you like walking funny, butt monkey."

Super Pig was very angry. Why do some people have to tear everything down! They aren't happy unless they're making everyone else miserable. If we could just get rid of those people everything would be fine!

In his hour of angst, Super Pig found succor in a bombastic and confident Voice.

"May the gods damn free-thinking liberal Malcontents. They mock us because they know we're right. One day their kind will perish with the inevitable coming of righteousness. Haha, maybe we'll keep one or two around in a zoo as examples of the foolishness that once was."

"Such a voice! Its confidence erases all doubts. Damn that Malcontent! He almost got me thinking there for a minute and made me lose my way."

The Voice called the sheep into the fold. "Be smart! Let I who has smarts on loan from the gods show you the way. Whatever I say, just say, 'Ditto!'"


"Perfect! Let me reward you for your obvious intelligence as I brand 'Ditto' on your forehead to make you a true Dittohead and show the world you're in the know!"

"Thank you! Thank you!" squealed Super Pig - who also did much squealing during the branding but "it is worth it."

As Super Pig continued his wanderings in the maze he found much delight in finding others who'd been buttfucked and branded as he had. "It's like joining a club!" The B&B Club - as they were known - bragged of claiming even Supreme Leaders among their ilk. "Our numbers are growing every day. Freedom is for losers. We're large and in charge!"

The B&B Club also had dire enemies of their state called the Lame and Loonies (L&L Club). The L&L's said the B&B's were wrong in all that they did. The L&L's also refused to be branded or buttfucked and this enraged the B&B's to no end. But the L&L's were so lame they wanted to be "fair" and never confront - only complain about - the B&B's because the L&L's "truly want to make life in the maze work". Try as they might, the L&L's could never match the B&B's conviction. This too amused the gods.

Super Pig loved it that his side was winning. "That makes me a winner too!" But there were no winners in the maze. A growing number of Hysterics could be found roaming around, screaming "There is no way out! We are doomed!" Most - and deliberately so - had not explored the entirety of the maze to see this claim is true. They soothed themselves with the thought, "We can't all be idiots. The Hysterics must be mad."

But the Truth gives no quarter and the Days of Ignorance inched ever closer until the doom of the Maze would be undeniable. The Mazers sat upon this truth like a lid on a boiling pot. They harder they tried to suppress it the angrier they became. But themselves they chose not to blame. And since the gods they served they had ordained to "love them" the Mazers had to look inward for enemies. Super Pig had an old score to settle.

"The gods want me to kill you!"

"Where is that Malcontent? I'm so angry I could explode! He made me feel like an idiot for being buttfucked and branded. That bastard! That's not a very godly thing to do. We must erase the ungodly from us or we're doomed!"

But the Malcontent had been booted from the Maze by the gods who could no longer suffer his mockery. "HAHAHA! Justice has been done. He'll be left to think for himself and no one will give him food or shelter. Serves him right for trying to ruin everything! The future belongs to us Mazers!"

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