Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Investigating The BIGGEST Conspiracy Of All!

Hello everyone, Jacob Jerusalem here to tell you all about the story catching like fire across the country. Some call it crazy and some call it as real as the sun. But I'm here to get to the bottom of it and bring you the truth! These are hard times we live in and some say those times will get much, much harder in light of recent events. So I ask you today the question burning on so many Hebrew minds: Did we or did we not kill the Son of God and if so, who is responsible?

I have here with me Prickus Maximus, the man who did the actual nailing to the cross of the man called Jesus of Nazareth and alleged Son of God. Let's find out what he thinks!

"Prickus, when you were driving nails through this man in order to inflict a slow and tortuous death and in the process send a message of terror to the populace, did you notice anything unusual?

"Sacre bleu! I do not understand all this commotion. It was just another crucifixion. I'm expert from that scoundrel Spartacus and ze 2,000 slaves I help crucify. Got a bonus for that, did I!"

"You didn't feel any extra twinge of guilt or sense of injustice?"

"Well, now you mention I did feel something. Sometimes I get ze extra pleasure in my job and I feel a stirring in my loin cloth. Some killings are just juicier than others if you know what I mean, hehe."

"Don't you ever feel bad about inflicting so much torture on the world?"

"Ah, no, no. They are just criminals. Never feel I bad! Like I say, only sometimes I get ze extra thrill. I get ze perks!"

"May I ask you a personal question? You do not talk like a typical Roman."

"Yes, yes I am Gallic. Caesar came and made bitches of us. My mother say to me to join people who cannot be beat. I took Roman name and got proper job and now I'm somebody. Hi, ma!"

"Look, ma! I am no longer ze nerd!"

"So just to confirm, no regrets here, no feeling of remorse?"

"Remorse for doing ze job without questions? Don't be silly. I don't so ze thinking. I just do ze killing. I cannot be blamed for that!"

There you have it, folks. A blameless soul who, in fact, felt an extra sense of joy in this particular crucifixion. Does that sound like that could be the Son of God to you? I ask, you decide! Next we meet with Pontius Pilate, the man who brought this criminal Jesus to justice.

"Tell me, good sir, do you feel the Son of God was killed by your decision?"

"First, let it be noted at no time did I lay a hand on the gentleman in question. Nor did I even have a role in his final fate. I offered him a chance to defend himself, he demurred - most likely out of a sense of guilt. To be even more fair, I left it to a jury of his peers and it is they who made the final decision. I was merely a tool of justice."

"So you don't feel a grave mistake has been made?"

"By the gods, no. Law and order must be upheld at all costs and a zero tolerance policy is the best policy. I believe in being tough on crime to protect the good hearted citizens in whose care I have been entrusted with."

"You realize it's bad grammar to end a sentence with a preposition?"

"Fuck you, you liberal media biased bastard! I ought to throw you to the wolves like I did that Jesus fucker."

"You mean you'd throw me to the good-hearted citizens?"

"Yes, of course. There was no Son of God here. No betrayals, nothing to see. Just another person who thought he could question our system and disrupt the order. Conservative is as conservative does, my friend."

"I hope to be reincarnated as a
rural Texas District Attorney."

Certainly no one in the justice system seems to think anything was amiss. But are the authorities simply part of a vast cover up who colluded over late night wine devising this man's fate? Jewish minds want to know! Perhaps the temple elders can shed some light on the situation.

"Rabbi, did you know this Jesus man?"

"Sir, I served with Jesus. I knew Jesus. Jesus was a friend of mine. And sir, you're no Jesus!"

"Whoa, sounds like you got some sort complex going on here, Rabbi. I just wanted to know if he was the Son of God."

"He made that claim and for that blasphemy he died. He was a lost sheep who strayed from the holy tenets, making up rules as he saw fit and invalidating the church of the one and only living God."

"So you see these rumors as completely unfounded?"

"Absolute rubbish. We in the temple are devout followers of the true God who loves us. This fellow was proud and made the most horrible accusations upsetting many believers."

"Sort of like Pussy Riot?"

"Wait? What?"

"Never mind. Could you give us an example of his outrageous accusations?"

"Indeed I can! He said we were lost sheep who strayed from the holy tenets, making up rules as we saw fit and invalidating the church of the one and only living God."

"So he was accusing you of his own sins??"

"Exactly! May God forgive him. We all mourn the loss of a soul but had he been true he'd still be alive today - like I."

"Thank you, Rabbi. This has been very insightful."

"That's what I'm here for: truth and guidance."

Making the unfaithful cry!

It certainly seems there's no love lost among the faithful for this fellow who boasted to be their king. I, Jacob Jerusalem, am starting to wonder just how this rumor got started. I can find no basis for it even as it's the talk of the countryside. Let us stroll to the famed local watering hole Abraham's Bar and Grill to see if we can finally get to the root cause of this story.

Ah, a fine debate is in progress. Let us listen in!

"You're nuts, lady. Just because you say it with conviction don't mean shit to me."

"We will regret this! We have sown our fate! Now we each must carry a cross until the end of time if we are to overcome. Admit the mistake before we are plunged into dark ages of misery."

"I don't need your mystical shit, lady. Ask me we're better off without that outsider pissing off the Romans."

"The Romans are not the ones who can save you!"

"They are the job creators and only a fool fights against that."

"Kiss all the Roman ass you please if that's all your lips are good for."

"Get off your high horse, lady. There was nothing special about that man."

"Say, Levi, you were there when he died. Remember how the sky thundered and temple curtains ripped in two and you said you felt a fear like you've never felt before?"

Hot Galilee volleyball!

"Shut up, Gideon. That man masturbated like all the rest of us. It was nothing more than Abraham's damn falafel giving me indigestion. I ain't afraid of nothing or nobody and I ain't talking about this crap anymore!"

Was the entire rumor due to this one stubborn woman? Amazing! I had to find out more.

"Pardon me, but are you one of the nuts who say the Son of God was killed by a conspiracy of losers?"

"It is a fact! Why do you people refuse to see? We must wake up or it will be centuries upon centuries before we can recover."

"But how can you know this was the true Son of God? Is it perhaps you are bored with your life and making up wild stories like this is a way to entertain yourself?"

"I will not stand for your hominem attack! This isn't about me!"

A man interjected at this point.

"Excuse me, Mary, but it is about you. You are too hysterical. You need to be a more effective advocate if you are to sway people to the truth."

"Piss off, Rueben. They have hearts! They can see as well as I can. They can go sway themselves. But I cannot stand to see even more needless suffering. This has been the tragedy of tragedies!"

"But didn't he say we were saved by his death?"

"You idiot. He didn't have to die to save us. That was our choice. He knew we'd tear him apart if he spoke the truth and yet spoke it anyway. He knew he'd receive hate for love and yet loved anyway. And he knew he'd be killed if he did not stop but continued anyway. I cannot imagine anything more unnecessary than killing this man, you fools."

At this point the bar erupted in anger with cries calling for the woman's death if she did not shut up. But she would not budge as she was dragged outside. It is logical that a rebel like Jesus would also have rebellious followers. And in that I think we have found our answer, folks.

I can confidently report that a few - but highly dedicated - followers of the this Jesus person have inflated this man beyond all reasonable proportion. It is understandable to speak highly of one's leader but this sort of behavior is self-serving and detrimental to society at large. Implying the majority who voted for the death of Jesus are wrong and these few so-called enlightened ones are right is the height of hubris.

I've got a bad feeling about this

To be fair, I also asked about this Judas fellow who is said to be Jesus' betrayer. But he is now conveniently dead and those who ascribe his suicide to guilt are merely speculating. And that's all we're really left with here: speculation, idle gossip and a bored populace taken in by the symbolic story of the day. This man Jesus will fall into the dustbin of history like any other justly convicted criminal. I bring you good news: In our society we can trust!

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