Saturday, June 23, 2018

He's Not A Victim

In order to have hope for a future we must be reasonable and rational. If we are without reason and irrational then there can be no hope. You can't vote your way out of that or pill your way out of that or religion your way out of that. It's simply an inescapable law of Nature. God won't help anyone who thinks otherwise.

But the longing for hope can be overwhelmed by fear and so when we see a monster about whom we can do nothing, we start ascribing human qualities to it so we can then go back into a state of hope - albeit a false hope. So I ask you today to jettison your fear and false hopes and face the beast for what it is: something with which we cannot live.

The beauty of identity politics is that is throws all facts out the window. Make up whatever you want just so long as it justifies me. Sure, I know you're lying, but who cares? It makes me feel good, that's all that matters. Make people feel good and they'll vote for you. Fiction becomes reality (for a time).

The fiction that's been gaining the most steam over the last few years is that the victimizers are the victim and the victims are the victimizer. "How dare all you unarmed darkies get in the way of my bullet and then have the gall to die on me later just to make me look bad! You black bullies!" I could go on but the refrains are endless. Like a gold rush of yore, everyone's climbing all over each other to claim the victim moniker.

So it stands to reason that in this perverse equation, the biggest victimizer claims to be the biggest victim. But our Victimizer-in-Chief is not a victim. Those who support him support him to the degree they believe he is a victim. You hear the halftards say all the time, "Yeah, he does bad things but people are being mean to him." And the full Trumptards justify his deranged behavior fully, granting wholesale absolution. That's how identity politics works in its treachery.

Those without hope love to destroy hope for others. That is the true war we're seeing today. Regardless of what anyone else may choose, the goal is always to preserve the hope within oneself. Do that, and you will defeat the world.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Goupil Papers: I Am The Monster

I'm writing from the high point of hiking trail. No one approach me from here I cannot view. Car half mile away in neighborhood nearby, not in parking lot easy to spot. Cell phone in Faraday bag like always. I'm looking for something. I'm looking for me.

There is something I been afraid to do. In gradual way I been getting closer and now, in my safe spot, I let it happen. For just a moment I stop hating myself. What most strange about this is it feels right thing to do. How can this be? After many terrible things I do, lives I destroyed, I should always be hating myself. Is right thing to do, no? If anyone find out I'm not hating myself, what would they do? What would they say?

So I have to be all alone to let this thing happen. Voice inside me say "Yes!" when I do this. Does the Maker not know what I've done? I have huge urge to let it keep going, to surrender to this feeling and path. But how can I trust it? How can I be deserving of forgiveness and life?? It makes no sense! To never forgive myself is my only hope, yes? Inside me is war.

This liberation also give me something else. I see something I not see before. I stepped through looking glass like I never dare before. That's when I see me through other's eyes. They just see my actions, what I do. They don't hear what I tell myself when I pull the trigger. I feel pity for me, victim of the world, still running from rough docks of my long lost France. I know what you see now: You see a monster.

You are right.

The ones who saw me, who let out death scream when they see what coming, see I have no feeling. I was robot on a mission, angry at life. If my life have no value, no life does. If my dreams mean nothing, no dreams do. But you did not see it that way, did you? You see monster in your midst, a black beast, taking away light and life. This more terrible than I ever fear. I am nightmare. No wonder I destroy all relationships that good.

Maybe this be price for that moment of peace, to see what I was really was. My head say nothing I do can bring people back, that I punish myself for no reason. But if not punishing myself is right thing to do then why tsunami of guilt drowning me when I stop? If punishing myself wrong thing to do shouldn't I feel guilt then??

Yes, I was the monster assassin. I don't know how to live with it. I will probably implode and die in a fit of rage [Editor's note: He does]. I see this now. I didn't see it then. Not ever want to. What would I have done if I had?

But this scare me most of all: Why I so madly stubborn refuse to believe I can have anything good.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Goupil Papers: One Hit Wonder

[Found among the papers of international assassin Goupil after his death by self-inflicted wound.]

Some men not known to history but their historic deeds are. We only know names of assassins we catch. But I wish to chronicle these men who share my profession. I do this even though I feel I have no profession - at least, I don't see assassin as my identity. My identity lost along the way. It start when I leave France then only to find I was running from who I was ever after. As of this writing, I'm still not found.

This story is from 70's era. In this world, hard to know what true but I write this for me and me alone. Maybe this because I feel I Goupil will slip from this earth without being known. The path before me is hidden. I fear what that mean. As this story shows, we live on razor's edge.

Trujillo was regular hit man. Mob guys use him but he not one of them. For special kills mob need outsiders. Trujillo liked being on the outside but he still has pressure of what expected. His target was federal judge. Do that and they will shake the trees to find you until something fall out. Someone somewhere know something. So he didn't want to do this hit but once asked you have to say yes or you become loose end.

Trujillo has panic but gets idea walking New York streets. He sees hobos in park, anonymous men with anonymous lives. They could do anything and no one ever know. Yes, gendarme hate them for being poor but that a good thing. These men don't count. But Trujillo no want to live like bums. So he get idea: get hobo to do killing!

Sound crazy stupid at first but if you think you can see. Hobo does kill, kill hobo, what is left to point to you? Yes, you must be desperate to try that. Setting up another guy cross my mind once or twice. But many things must fall in place for that to work, seem to me. Trujillo starts hanging around park, being a face. He finds a guy. Only God know his name now. Trujillo never tell anyone.

Time was very short. Trujillo plan quick kill in apartment parking garage. Would look like mugger and hobo's body would confuse police. Ten thousand American promised to the hobo. Back then that could change a life, that much. Buy car, start over someplace else. Hobo could get life from death. Trujillo know something else: Bum is homo. Even before killing, this is man who keep secret to himself. Probably shunned by family, living shadow life, perfect.

But Trujillo forget who he is. Assassins always outsider nobodies. We are part of nothing. Hard to remember that as watching families go by knowing that can never be you. It like falling in the air not knowing if you land. You want to be somebody too. I'm sure idiot Trujillo was thinking he finally find bigger loser than him. Gay loser bum everyone scorn and disavow. I can see this appeal. Trujillo play role of authority, the one in charge of person to be throwaway.

But homo hobo still a person. Yes, he spend lifetime learning to hide in shadows and lie. But by staying alive he step outside what others speak of him. If not, he eat a bullet. He become cunning creature answering only to himself. You see, that's psychological advantage assassin has: easy to read others when they follow rules and you do not. But hobo follow even less rules than Trujillo.

So when time come to shoot judge, hobo shoot Trujillo instead. But judge spot him doing this so judge gets it too. That hella mystery for police when bullet from Trujillo gun not match bullet in judge! Later on many years, rat tell cops mob hire Trujillo. Papers never print bullet not match so they know rat telling the truth. No one left to explain third person, though. Hobo take the money and run.

Wish I could say what happened in the end. No one even know how this story come to be told, maybe Trujillo have partner. Story just "known." Hobo killer have makings of great assassin. But I do not think he go that way. I think he go cross country, buy a house and visit parks at night. He discover world not holy and pure as it say and he not worthless like they say. He probably become respectable executive - but always smiling to himself.

But Trujillo is lesson for me. If cop reading this go fuck yourself. I don't want to die by cop hand. I don't think they any better than me. Politicians worse killers of all! Their feet leave ground and they do anything never have to touch down again. Stupid peoples can't see through them mean they just as bad. I had to face these things and it is heavy load. But I always know I'm bad man too, never better than them. And never good enough for one I want.

Napalm Don And Chemical Kim K-I-S-S-I-N-G

SINGAPORE (AP) Two evil perverts met today in what many fools say they believe will lead to lasting peace and goodwill on Earth. "It's better to have evil perverts talking than not talking," claimed one columnist who placed hope in speaking well of evil. Others are not so sure.

The two men found they had much in common. "I truly admire your traitorous treatment of the inferior Puerto Ricans. Making them drink poisoned water was hilarious," guffawed Chemical Kim. Napalm Don admired his companion's open hostility to his enemies by placing them directly into death camps. "I sure do know a bunch of crazy Democrats and lying reporters I'd like to see tortured to death!"

The two maladjusted miscreants warmed to each other in intimate moments of shared desires and deeds, trying to one up the other. "I steal babies right from their arms and then 'lose' them so they can't be found! Am I draining the swamp or what?" boasted Napalm Don. His cohort did one better bragging of causing mass starvation so extreme "people leave their babies out in the open hoping someone will take them who can feed them!" Each congratulated the other on his "disruptive" nature and mutual hatred of mankind.

Both agreed "democracy is for losers" and shared a gentle kiss on the lips to seal the deal. Papers were signed declaring peace will come to the world by making it safe for evil. "We are united in this shared endeavor so that all bad men may come together as one. Praise us for the peace we bring!"

Wednesday, May 30, 2018


Quietly I stepped into her room and quietly I closed the door. She was fast asleep in the night, trusting the world.

What a fool!

She had a gun and a security system and a thousand mental guards - but none of that made her safe from the enemy within.

What a fool!

She needs to be educated to what reality is. She lives in a false paradise, an illusion of her own making. This ignorance can't go on forever. She has to be made aware. Everyone has to become aware.

The end has come. Her lies must die. She must see the light and be forever enlightened.

My lies must die too.

I put my hands around her neck.

Soon she'll know! Wake up! Wake up!

She awakens. Her eyes grow wide with fear and confusion. Ha! Ha! She wonders how this can be happening. She thought she had it all figured out.

You were blind to your own evil!

I'm too strong. She tries to rip my hands away but I have too much of a head start. Despair begins to flood her eyes.

Yes! Yes! Welcome to my nightmare! Feel it! Know it! Live it!

But she can't fully know until she sees death. It's the only way. The light is fading. She's running out of oxygen. Weaker are her death throes. All fighting is futile. Only in that one final moment does she understand.

If only I could live in that moment forever!

At work I quietly sit down at my desk, steaming cup of coffee next to me speaking of normalcy.

I hate this place! I hate acting like I'm not dying, that everything is fine.

No one notices a thing. Well, hardly notices. "You look refreshed this morning. Have an extra good night's sleep?"

"It was killer," the Office Strangler quietly replies. I get a thumbs up as I silently start my daily drowning.


Two thousand miles away another man is dreaming of whom he can kill. Not just one, but as many as possible. He too must bring his nightmare to light, the endless agony of the lie.

I have the power to kill!

Those around him worship his evil power, thinking that makes them safe. When news of the Office Strangler comes to light they readily pounce as moral avengers, earning praise from their future victims.

Not everybody counts - thank God!

He has the power to kill and uses it, cutting off aid to a wrecked island in desperate need. He hears the reports and rejoices while strangling a nightly pillow: people forced to drink poisoned water, watching their children die before their eyes, trapped in a nightmare they cannot escape.

If only I could be there to see it with my own eyes!

The Oval Office Strangler eats his morning pop tart in glee watching future victims on TV defend his evil deeds, bringing aid and comfort to the killer, collecting souls on a daily basis, rejoicing as they  shipwreck their lives like his.

Quietly spreads the plague of death. Occasional voices express outrage and alarm but they are quietly dismissed as deranged lunatics by the deranged lunatics. Each day the angel of death quietly grips hearts and minds with silence as its sword. A scared populace knows where this leads but think it's best to keep quiet lest they be accused of treason to the demon.

An entire planet screaming in silence, believing there is no other way.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Why I Shot My Classmates

I don't understand why everyone keeps asking why. It's simple really. There are many reasons and it's always the same.
1. We live in an honest and true world. It's a place of support that values every human life. Money means nothing compared to the welfare of one single person. The world grows more human by the day! They say the world does not have to be perfect for us to survive. So there's nothing to ask of this world it isn't already doing.
2. My future is bright and unlimited. I can do whatever I want. I'll never be trapped in a dead end situation stripping all meaning from life. I am not drowning in raging frustration because I get all the love I need and want. I need never lie to have acceptance. With things this good, I want to live forever!
3. Our God is a good and caring God, looking out for every life. No one receives injustice in his lifetime. God fixes everything. God can do anything so that means I can have no possible problems. I need never feel cut off with God. I'm never abandoned, rejected, or alone. I'm always perfectly fine and to be anything else is unthinkable.
Now tell me, does anyone care to dispute those reasons? Why, I never hear them disputed, not even for a second! Day and night I hear them repeated over and over with everyone nodding his head in assurance. Who am I to doubt the wisdom of so many heroes?? I must keep any disagreement stuffed deep inside or the righteous will shout me down. I learn right and wrong from your anger.

But I'll tell you one thing, if those reasons above are not true, then can you tell me why the fuck I shouldn't shoot anyone?

When one person sins, we all sin.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

He Asked Why

I heard a radio guy, Ed Wallace, who likes to talk about the economy and such ask why we don't build roads and other infrastructure like we used to. He quite rightly pointed out that those ancient endeavors paved the way for a rising economy for all. He considers the way we used to function as investing in our future and that's what took us to the top of the economic heap.

I don't disagree with any of that.

Then he said this. "And I don't understand for the life of me why we don't do that anymore." Ed's a smart guy and may or may not understand because the truth is to awful to face. For the simple reason is we don't invest for the future anymore is because we don't believe we have a future. Period.

Most of us are scrambling to get by. A much smaller slice is comfortably bribed and willing to look the other way as long as their lifestyle is not threatened. But those at the very top - who are free to see things the way they are - are the decision makers of how we proceed. They don't have to lie to themselves about what's going on. They realize that greedy people have no future. They realize that in any conspiracy it's the ones who betray it who go down.

So they see no way out but destruction. Why the fuck build roads for that?? Just take what you can get before it's all gone. You can see words to that effect in the emails sent right before the economic collapse of 2008. The world is just the same thing only on a larger scale. We are in our death throes. And for the record, no one who feels he has a future shoots up his school, either.

You can also hear the panic in their voices when they say, "Don't worry! It's been like this before!" Ever see a healthy person OD? Like any addict, as time goes on we forfeit pieces of our lives, we go through a downturn and suffer horribly. This is a warning sign, not a sign to keep on the same road as long as you didn't die! There's not much left to us at this point.

We don't have to live the way we do. We could trust to Nature and throw away all the artificial voodoo of our so-called systems of responsibility. We can give up our wicked ways voluntarily and move away from a greed based society or go through such horrific times we're forever cured of this insanity. And believe you me, the true and final horror has not yet begun to show itself. What we experince now is only the prelude.

Remember this when the angel of doom comes to visit you: let go of the past and embrace the future, because there certainly is one even if not as we currently choose to envision it.

Thursday, May 03, 2018

Twisting The Wind

"That fucking fascist!"

"Yeah! Just who the hell does he think he is?"

"Telling us how we should think and act. Fuck that!"

"He'll be telling us how to wipe our asses next!"

"Fucking know-it-all! He's got no right to talk about us like that."

"Too right! 'Do this and do that or bad things will happen to you.'"

"That's fucking blackmail, that is!"

"All I want to do is live my life in peace. That guy is a real troublemaker, stirring up shit."

"Like everyone is supposed to all the sudden fucking change how we live. That's just plain nuts! Not going to happen!"

"He's a conformity king!"

"Exactly fucking right! Handing out mandates that would destroy our way of life. Outrageous!"

"Well, this freedom fighter won't be kept down!"

"I'll fuck up anyone who tries to take my freedom!"

"This is what's wrong with radicals. Nothing's ever good enough for the likes of them. Just want to throw out everything!"

"All I know is I ain't no fucking slave. A man's gotta be a man and stand up for what he believes in. I've worked too hard in my life just to give it all up."

"I'm fighting to the end. I don't care what it costs me down the line. That's just the kind of man I am."

"That fucking loudmouth got no use for anyone what isn't just like he is. Fricking snob."

"I can't stand those egalitarian elitists. Somebody's going to have to shut that dude up."

"Exactly! He's got no fucking idea what's going to happen to him if he keeps on like he is."

"Just can't save some people."

"I'm not even going to waste my time. I don't care what that Jesus dude says, I don't care about anyone but myself."

"Herod/Pilate in 0020! I'll forever fight for the freedom to fuck people!"