Her thoughts while mounted:
He's more active than usual...has he got his vigor back?...have the old days returned like when our love was alive?...no...this is something different...he's scared...of what?...losing something?...yes, he's afraid of losing something...his identity? his youth? his manhood?...I can never know, we don't talk...it feels like he's a...stranger!...a desperate loner!..."Oh, God!" I get the sense he's been talking to someone about his troubles...he doesn't trust me anymore...just like I don't trust him...he fears he's going to lose me?...or maybe it's a part of himself he's losing...I'm just now seeing how far the divide is between us...I'm scared, so much more alone than I thought...I can't survive outside this marriage, God help me if it turns out I can't survive in it...what will I do?...is that the thought that has hit him?...is that why he's trying to re-create the old days when we were first married..."Oh, God!" I just can't fake it like I did before...that isn't in me anymore, to be able to lie like that to keep things going...this isn't going to work, is it?...he's going to find out he really has lost whatever he's afraid of having lost...that we have lost...does this mean our story ends up in a cliché?...middle aged man has affair. wife got fat. marriage got stale...yes, I can hear it now... "Oh, God!" I couldn't bear that...to be talked about like that...to be forever defamed...to have my years of lies be exposed...no! no! "Oh God!" no!!!
His thoughts after dismounting:
Got her to say "Oh, God" four times!...and she doesn't suspect a thing...damn, I want that Holly in Personnel...I need to feel alive again...but I'm afraid of her...how good can I really still do it with someone who isn't a dead cow?...divorce is unthinkable...can't imagine having to go around the rest of my time explaining what a fraud we've been for thirty years...but the thought is so liberating!...but Holly is for the side, not marrying, even if she wasn't 15 years younger...who am I?...I can't believe my life is turning out like this...all I care about is keeping up the façade...there's nothing more fun than being unrespectable while being considered respectable!..it keeps calling out to me...what would she do if she knew?...crawl into her Bible?...probably so...I played that game before... it's Holly's fine legs I need...NEED!...I don't want to die...I can't live here in this suffocating house and all her false morality...she'd die without our priest's and her parents' approval...I need my dick's approval or I'll explode...I secretly do love lying...it's the only time I feel alive...what can I do?...be honest?...never...I can't let anyone see me like I really am...I'm losing hope!...did I ever really have it?...I'll probably just chicken out with Holly anyway...I really can't afford to let anyone know how I've ruined my life...don't tell me this is all there is!...no!, no!, no!
Actually, it's not fucking funny at all
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