Sunday, May 07, 2017

Uber Reveals New App Enhancements for Rascists, Religionists, And Rednecks!

The purpose of business is to give customers what they want, not to make social judgements. Hence, Uber is rolling out new versions of its app to "greater serve our base." They go on to say, "This will not only enhance our customer experience but also make a huge leap forward towards world peace." Uber has been cited in many news stories recently for its anti-social behavior both internally and externally and they are looking to rectify the situation with this new campaign.

Chief executive Travis Kalanick explains. "We feel the need to do our share to make the world more livable which can only be done when we as individuals get along better. The idea started with our Jew app which allows Jew-to-Jew only peerings. After all, if you're an Arab in town for an oil conference the last thing you want to see is a Jewish driver. Conversely, the last thing our Jewish driver-suckers want is to pick up some loud-mouth Palestinian yapping about the wall. The world needs more peace! And we social activists at Uber are here to provide it."

The company provided testimony from San Francisco resident Ida Goldstein raving about the new enhancement. "This is the perfect way for my son to meet some nice Jewish girls. He's always working so hard! He's such a great catch. But now he can meet his mate and start a family while still working just as hard. This is a mother's dream come true!"

Warrior for social justice!

Future enhancements will allow you to pick your race, religion, orientation, or any other of a myriad of factors. The racial component is expected to be big hit. "I jess know when I makes me a beer run I don't want no nigger driver sticking his nose in my bidness!" said Speaker-of-the-House Paul Ryan. Not all Republicans feel the same way, however. "I likes me a darkie driving because it shows they know their place. Not a racist bone in my body!" claimed an enthused President Trump.

Some see unexpected side-benefits to the apps perhaps not envisioned by Uber's designers. Red Neckerson from Amarillo, Texas chimed in. "I'm gonna load up me that queer app and the minute that fag driver shows up I'm gonna beat his ass! Imagines that, them comin' right to ya for a ass kickin'! I likes to beat up them fags because I ain't one! You hear me? I AIN'T one is why!"

In fact, in some cases opposites are intended to be matched such as between sadists and masochists, something which has the San Francisco S and M community very excited. CEO Kalanick is also exploring a way for prostitutes and johns to hook up "to take out all the hassle of getting the exact hooker you want. It can be a real pain sometimes - from what I hear." Kalanick went on to point out that anyone driving for Uber is halfway to being a prostitute anyway "considering the way we use and abuse them."

Critics of the new enhancements claim the technology will "set back social progress a thousand years." Sandy DoGooder of the We Must Always Smile foundation is worried. "The kind of feelings these apps expose must be suppressed and repressed at all costs, never to see the light of day. That's the only way we can stop the hate is by never communicating it."

Uber's Kalanick did not show any concern for his critics. "It's a goddam phone app, for Christ's sake! Technology doesn't make anyone's heart better or worse. That's just what that Zuckerberg idiot says. We're here to make money and swindle as many investors as possible along the way. These new apps prove we are not the sham operation some confused fools say we are. I'm not just blowing smoke up people's ass here with fantastical dreams and magical thinking. After all, it's not like I'm taking about something preposterous like flying cars."

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