Friday, February 17, 2017

Crashing The (Sociopath) Pearly Gates

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
- Romans 9:21

He fired up his Maserati with the satisfied grin he always felt at the sound of its throaty exhaust. He luxuriated in the fine Italian leather as he watched a homeless man push a grocery cart in the rain. He'd just picked up his tailor made shirt from Ripley Shirts and was heading back to his upscale townhouse in the latest Dallas development.

"It's good to be me!"

Earlier that month he and a few friends waited outside a known gay bar, looking for a victim. They laughed as they beat and kicked him with unrestrained glee under the cover of darkness. A sleepless neighbor called the police but when the cop arrived he simply said, "Let me know when you guys are done and I'll pretend to chase you. Get that fucking faggot!"

He grinned as always: "It's good to be me!"

He visits his office during the day where a room of cold callers have lists of elderly seniors to cheat and swindle. They are bonused not just on the amount taken but also the percentage of a person's wealth, to leave them in the most dire circumstance possible. The fact he was able to do this day after day, destroying lives at will, validated his every crooked deed (especially as he helped vote a fellow sociopath victoriously into office!).

"It's good to be me!"

With the proceeds of his scam office he opened a car repair shop. He only hired mechanics who followed his edict: "Fix what's broken, but break something else while in there!" Many customers swore by his work - they just had bad car luck! If anyone dare badmouth him, he used a sociopathic (redundant?) lawyer to sue them into silence.

"It's good to be me!"

But as his Maserati raced along on this rainy day speeding insanely out of control, he passed on to the next world in a fireball of death.

Seeing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he was defiant. "I'm not going to let you fuck me! It's kill or be killed. That's the way it is. You don't like it then go fix it, you cocksucking asshole son-a-bitch!"

"Actually, my records show you have been sucking cock while beating others who in engage in that behavior in order to hide your own actions."

"I got what you can suck! That's all fake news! Has it not been written: Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?"

"I do not know what's fake, I only have the truth before me because why have anything else?"

"Because the truth is for losers! Go ahead and send me to hell. I don't need you to lecture me on why I can't pass through the gates."

"But you can pass through. Anyone can."

"Bullshit! What kind of scam are you running here? Even I can't figure it out."

"No scam. Why wouldn't we want as many as possible to enter the kingdom of Heaven?"

"Because some people are total unredeemable assholes! So I know there's no way!"


"I know this is a trick. You're trying to fuck me because that's what everyone does. I make the wrong decision and I'm screwed for all fucking eternity!"

"That's a fact, Jack! But it's easy! Just choose what you want."

The sociopath was confused, disoriented, looking around for a clue but found none. "OK, smart guy. I'll prove you a liar and pass through. Nobody gets what they want!"

Once on the other side, he looked back at Peter. "I don't get it. You're letting me in. You can't do that. You can't let just anyone in. Aren't we to be judged?"

"Only by yourself, if you want. Paradise is yours for the asking!"

"Well, damn. I sure do feel like a jerk now...and a loser...and an asshole..."

"That's right - and you will for all fucking eternity."

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