I've always been a loner and loser. Girls don't want nothin' to do with me. Life got no real purpose at all. What I is, tho, is mighty angry. Whole buncha people out there need their face punched in. Maybe I be one of them, I don't know. But you go around punching or even shooting people and they lock you up quick - 'less you the one doin' the lockin' up! So I figure if I gonna be a real asshole I better gets me a badge. And that's how I joined the FBI!!!
See, the FBI was started by this guy named Edgar but he was gay as all get out and back in them days they was smart and had no use for them gays so he couldn't tell anyone or his ass woulda been grass. So he gets all paranoid and tries to fuck with everyone before they can fuck with him. He wants to be super powerful to make sure he can hide all his ass fucking. That was his plan and it worked real good all the way until he up and died. Dang that's a long time to be gay!
So I figure guys that don't like themselves any better than that to let some freak run their whole show for decades on end then that's the place for me! Wasn't real hard getting on and even tho I thought I was fittin' in real good they was complaining about me bein' a loner and a loser. I tried bringin' them fruit pies up at the office for a whole week straight but that didn't help. But turns out I didn't need them after all cuz they had special projects just for me.
I was gonna be point guy on catching them terrorists!! This is like totally true. I was so excited thought I was gonna bust. You can kiss my loser ass! They said terrorists was just like me and I could fit right in with them searchin' for cheerleader porn then hang them high! They said they was looking for emotional disturbable creeps who was angry and want to blow up the world. They told me it takes one to know one and I told them I was their guy!
That's how we be finding us a bunch of terrorist people. This is how smart they are at FBI. Sometimes these terrorists don't even know they is terrorists! I make friends with them cuz they got no real ones. Then I tell them I can get them guns and bombs and shit. Other agents tell me it's like way too scary dealin' with people what already got guns and bombs - and I agree with that! So I set up fake deals to buy them and the minute they show up bam! we bag us a real live terrorist!
Is great watchin' the news on what bad asses we are. Everyone told me how important it was us doing this so when real terrorists go do shit folks won't get mad at us cuz they see we's catching so many already they just figure we can't catch them all. Dang those guys is smart! Don't hear hardly anybody yellin' about the ones we miss and if they do bitch too much we start watchin them too! Ain't that a sweet set up? Ol' Edgar knew what he was doing making us like this.
The Emperor's bitch
Then a terrible thing happened and I had me a thought. I guess I always find ways to screw things up. I can tell you for sure no one else in the office has any thoughts ever and they do just fine. Not supposed to have thoughts, I know. But really all we doin' is just finding other losers like me then sending them off to jail for lotsa years. Might even happen to me! It's like where you go to see a movie just to make you feel good except here no one knows it's not real.
What I couldn't figure was them other agent guys! They got families and friends and boats and BBQs and one of them is even a "lay preacher" (kid you not! had to look it up myself). I know why I is wantin' to go around ruinin' people's lives but those guys got real life lives so why they doin' it?? Is there nobody more we can trust? They got no reason to be actin' like that. They got no reason to be full of hate and wantin' to punch people in the face. I just can't figure why folks that got everything is acting us folks that got nothing.
These is weird times where the world is upside down. Don't be lookin to me to figure it out. This one guy I talked to said it's "Obey-your-master syndrome". Not sure what that means. He was saying even tho those guys got everything they still want someone givin' them orders on how to live and that's why they all angry and ashamed. But if you can have everything why'd ya be asking for someone to tell you how to live?? It's a crazy, crazy world. Anyway, I'm a asshole and I got me a real honest to goodness badge and long as I got that I'm not gonna try to figure out any more than that!
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya! (people's always tellin' me that)