Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Eddie Bacon's Rest Stop
It hits you when you stop.
Eddie hungered for human companionship on his flight from prison. It struck him he'd actually be safer nestled in a crowd than staying a lone object to be easily spotted. So he strayed towards a highway rest stop with a curious sense of exhilaration but ready to flee at a moment's notice. Though self-conscious in his ill-fitting stolen clothes, Eddie took respite in the fact no one gave him a second thought.
Look at those two kids over there. Hard to believe life was like that. It's true I've never felt innocent. Maybe all I ever was is ignorant of the nightmare to come. Now...I'm outside everything. I belong nowhere. I'm out of prison but the feeling of despair is even deeper as I sit here watching the lives of others. Man, this sucks. I just want to live!
The cool late afternoon air was refreshing. Eddie hadn't realized how much he'd been laboring in his run. But the fresh air, the sight of playing children and families vacationing served only to sting him deeper on the pangs of his predicament. He thought back to a girl he knew long ago, the only one he'd ever considered marrying. Would he be in the same plight if he'd been more honest with his feelings to her? Still, the only way he knew how to make money was dealing pot and had he stayed with her he'd of drug her down with him.
I don't even feel human, like I'm an alien barred from life on this planet. I can see no way I can survive. This really isn't much of a plan after all. If, if, if. That's all I really got. One little thing goes wrong and I'm fucked for life. Dear God Jesus, what have I done? Life is unbelievably hard and cruel. What if I can find no cash jobs in Crockett? Then what? Shit, I'm looking at having to turn myself back in just to fucking eat. Maybe I really am the fuck-up everyone says I am.
Eddie's escape had been done in a blind rush. He fed himself cursory answers for his doubts about money and eventual survival, but now having paused in his journey he was forced to face them head on. Just how was he going to earn a living? The taste of freedom had so intoxicated him - the very idea of it breathing life into him - that he never stopped to consider just how realistic his plans might be. He kept thinking life couldn't be as bad as it kept turning out to be. But it was.
These soul crushing thoughts isolated him even further.
Don't stick out. If you're going to do this, do it right and don't get caught. Don't act like you don't belong. They can't know about your broken heart or this killing despair or they'll see something is wrong and suspect you. It's so hard! I just want to scream for help! If they knew I was an escapee they'd hide their children and betray me in a heartbeat. I just don't know what the right decision is. To be, or not to be. I'm so lost...I'm so lost...