Monday, March 28, 2016

The Everyday Monster

As proven by the Milgram Experiment, they walk among us. They hold down jobs, teach Sunday school, run in marathons, doing things considered normal and responsible. But they have no inner moral compass. They are simply androids programmed by society and for them that substitutes for a conscience. The words "Approval" and "Disapproval" replace "Right" and "Wrong" in their vocabulary. They see nothing beyond that.

Not only are they monsters, but they rejoice in it. They kill with a "happy heart". Having eschewed all moral responsibility, they live in a world of disassociation from the deeds they do. These are your secret police, your corporate assassins, the soul-less footmen of the world who will carry out any order. They are the building blocks of dictators and tyrants (and proudly so!). They have the Judas gene, born to betray (in fact, they see that as their duty).

Nature, in Her time, will destroy these beasts in the coming process of purification. They have no sense of self-preservation having staked their fate to be that of their lies. They will be told to step into the furnace of fire and will comply. For those whose goal is to stay disconnected disobedience is worse than death in their world. It will be a most satisfying sight seeing them remove themselves from the human equation! The planet can never have a future with them among us, and had we stayed true to the ways of Moses they would never have arisen. In medical terms they are tumors.

Will be reborn to lead a corporate cult

Some are more easily spot than others. They join unsanctioned cults or engage in other behavior considered outrageous by mainstream society. We are quick to mock them in those scenarios but the rest of the time we turn a blind eye. We know they butcher with zeal, seeing those still having a conscience as their natural enemy who must be destroyed. These are the informers who can never gain approval from within, only from without. At Nuremberg we officially disavowed them and their ways but truth be told when they serve our purposes we embrace them still.

Below is one woman's letter before death when we - for a time - realized we cannot allow these beasts to continue to undermine civilization. It was hoped that the hangman's rope would help them to see the light of reason but most remained in darkness, animals to the end. These are the ones who called for the death of Jesus - and still do in churches around the world.

Mother dearest,

This shall be my final note to you. Truly, I do not understand the anger that swirls around me. Now they say they want to take my life! When they kill all the good people of the world who obey orders what hope can there be? Who am I to say what is right or wrong? We all said the same thing at the camp: "Mine is not to question why, just load another Jew to die." Now they are trying to say ALL of us were wrong?

What's so wrong helping provide for my family? What's so wrong getting us a better house to live in or fixing Heinrich's teeth when they came in crooked? For these crimes I am sentenced to death? Has the world gone mad? It was not I who decided to kill the Jews. I simply turned on the gas as ordered. One cannot pick and choose what one obeys. That would bring chaos and be wholly irresponsible!

On Easter I will hang. They malign Judas but what did he do so wrong? A mere kiss on the cheek? Was he not serving the authorities as they wished? He was simply a good businessman who got paid for his services. We praise this deed every day! It's these people who set themselves up as Jesus who are the problem, blind to their own sins. There's no living with them! They think they can do whatever they please with no consequence! One day they have a very hard lesson they will learn.

But today we live at their mercy and your daughter dies a martyr. Let God witness this for all time! They shall not break me, dear mother. I shall remain strong and hold on to my principles, dutiful to the end. My persecutors shall reap what they sow. I only wish I could be there to see it.

Your daughter, Bettina.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Scenes From The Corporate VP Strike

Some say these can't be the End Times because it's been falsely predicted before, or because we've always been destructive and not died yet, or that simply Bad Things really don't happen. Education comes slowly for some. But when I saw line of blue-suited VP assholes parading outside a factory I knew without a doubt that we must be nearing the end.

"We're sick to death of the unwarranted criticism of our suppressing workers' wages so we can keep the profits to ourselves. We're not going to stand any more of the demonization of our evil ways. Gouging consumers is our God-given right! It says so in our Bible! We are a nation built on greed and blackmail and I for one won't have our holy ways badmouthed one minute more!"

I saw many signs carried by these angry white protestors so impinged upon by society.

Down with workers! Stop oppressing us with your needs!

Competence is for the loser class

Survival of the UNfittest!

Pirates are people too!

No, I DON'T feel your pain!

In the land of milk and honey
you will die or worship money!

"First Jesus, now us! Where does the crucifying end? Every day I look out my high rise condo I'm forced to look down upon the homeless and other unsightly beings. They say there's no solution but we could build camps for them if we wanted to. See? We could fix everything if only we had the political will! Lord, hear my cry for justice! I donated to You, I expect something back!"

I heard a woman complaining how all the children in her neighborhood suffer from Affluenza and that "you don't hear a word about it in the goddam godless liberal media who think it's a big joke! Those monsters!" Then a defiantly angry voice broke into song which was soon joined by a rousing chorus of fellow angry bots.

Liberal media's talking 'bout
Socialism, communism, hippie-ism, atheism,
Everything but capitalism!

All we are saying is give thieves a chance!
All we are saying is give thieves a chance!

Fear us!
Liberal media insult conservatives,
Preservatives, terrorists, religious trysts,
Inequality, dishonesty, slavery and fakery

All we are saying is give thieves a chance!
All we are saying is give thieves a chance!

Let US tell you now:
Republicans talking 'bout
Freedom's sin, freedom to sin,
Fucking people means you win!
Corporations rule the nation
Competition's an abomination!

All we are saying is give thieves a chance!
All we are saying is give thieves a chance!

So let's be talking about
Ronald Reagan, Donald Trump,
Kim Kardashian's naked rump!
Calvin Klein and Maserati,
Be the servants at our next party!
All for us and none for you

That's what God would have us do!

Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Boy Who Kept His Finger In The Dike (Modern Version)

Aw, shit! Another one!

"Hey there, boy. Think you're a hero, don't you?"

"Course I'm a hero! Got me finger in the dike, saving the day I am!"

"And what of the next crack?"

"What of it? I'll put another of me fingers in that too!"

"And the next and the next and the next?"

"Now you're just being negative. We don't need you, Mr. Negative. Go away!"

Mr. Negative entered the local pub for a pint. "That boy with the finger in the dike is not seeing the whole picture."

The mob agreed. "Ya got that right! Ain't nothin' wrong with that dike. Ain't nothin' needin' fixin'." "That boy is creating drama from the minutest of things. Liberal parents, I'm sure." "More like Commie parents trying to reach into our pockets for repairs don't needing to be made."

"But won't you all die if the levee breaks?"

"We are men of faith, good sir. The Lord our God would never let such a thing happen. You don't see us drowning, do you?"

"Not yet."

"Not yet? We must ask you to leave, sir, and take your negativity with you. It is offensive to the ears of God!"

In the town square could be heard a raging argument between two groups. On the right were those who insisted the dike was fine and perfect and on the left were those who supported the boy who kept the dike from breaking. Each side argued as if their lives were at stake, one insisting they do nothing, the other insisting they do something. Then Mr. Negativity spoke.

"You're both wrong. Neither denial nor half-measures will save you. The very foundation of the dike is broken and irreparable. It must be rebuilt from scratch even if it causes the entire village to move. I am a surveyor and found this to be fact."

The news did not go over well.

"He's just trying to be a false hero!" screeched the dike boy's parents.

"He's got an agenda, he does! Could care less about reality!" screeched the reality denialists.

"He's trying to profit from our misery!" screeched the profiteers.

"He's a blasphemer before God!" screeched the blasphemers.

Around and around it went, each accuser hoping to exorcise their sins by blaming the surveyor. In this way the villagers hoped to bless themselves and ensure their future - even as it did just the opposite. The two groups united in a conservative effort to run the surveyor out of town. They then congratulated themselves on their maturity for "reaching across the aisle" to work together. A celebration was being planned when the levee broke and the entire village was washed away. The surveyor watched from a distance.

"Why does anyone think they can live outside the truth?"

This song would have been glorious in my movie

Monday, March 14, 2016

Outside The Tabernacle

"Part of me feels special. More special than I could ever believe. I was sure as the sun I did not deserve the Egyptian whip, but this..."

"I feel it too," I replied. We squatted on a Hebrew blanket in the early evening not far from the holy Tabernacle. We were as moths to a flame, drawn to its presence, feeding us, giving us purpose. We need only let it fill us up. For most, that was difficult. Some had false pride, not wanting to admit their empty lives up this point. Others felt fear, of being lead down a path whose destination they did not know. And some wished to be the God who resided in the tent. Weakness was in the air.

"We live in a time of whispered dreams. You can hear it in the desert wind. There is so much we do not know. I feel we live on the edge of something...something great and beyond our understanding. Are we the first to live here?"

"No. I feel it too, like heat of the day, it's undeniable. The past is lingering but we can't see it. But with everything that has happened, the miracles that set us free, the past fades away. We have to move forward."

"Forward, yes! But to where?"

"To someplace good. To someplace safe. To home."

"I wish that to be! I wish it to be with all my heart! But we live in lands of war. We must conquer or be conquered. Who can escape that? I am not a man who finds home in battle. Make of that what you will."

I smiled. "I don't know when the truth will be, but I do know every man wishes to be ruled by gentleness. It's like watching water slide down a hole, it's futile to resist. These thoughts have been hidden inside, but in the presence of this God, it's as if roaring water flows through me. I cannot fully describe it, there's no word for it."

"I have dreams every night. I look into a garden so vast and lush the end is beyond the horizon. I cry because I am unable to step into it. But I do not know why, I just know I can't. This is madness! Can you tell me what it means?"

"No, the fire enflames us all. But in different ways, it seems. Look in their eyes. I've been afraid to say anything and little has anyone else spoken, but you can see the stars in our eyes. I sense we are a part of the past and part of the future forever. Is this the dawn of a new time we live in? I want to believe it so badly!"

"Moses believes it."

"Yes, Moses believes it!" Then we both laughed. Moses was a man without doubt. We envied him while dreading to be him. He had far more guts than any of us to face this new God. Or is this God new? It's more like an awakening, this. Yes. This isn't new. Just drawn out into the open. Damn, I'm excited!

"It's easy to follow Moses. He's so certain. He fills the gaps of doubt. Part of me wishes to be one with the high priests who enter the Tabernacle. But I just can't do it. I tremble and stop. My limbs cannot move, like unseen ropes are holding me in place."

"I'm no hero of this new time, either. What's worse, I know it's good and right to enter, yet still I hesitate. Like I'm content to know it in my mind so I do not face it in life. What kind of man does that make me? I'm plagued with questions but I feel more alive than ever!"

"That's all of us. This questioning can drive you mad. Life was simple before. I never want to go back to it, but our freedom has had a price. We are a changed people. Our path in history is forever altered. My dreams are filled with streets of blood and mountains of peace. How can we suffer both fates? Maybe, it's..."

We looked at each other in caution. He'd nearly said what's on everyone's mind. All along we've been engaging in a conspiracy of silence. On one hand we gaped and cheered in awe at the marvelous events that set us free. On the other hand, we wonder what terrible power have we unleashed. Is this a gift? To mistreat a gift is the worst betrayal. We know this heavily in our hearts. This idea of sin, it is hard to bear. "You are like strange beasts!" a passing Bedouin cursed at us. Yes, we have changed.

"Moses has been gone too long. I was afraid that would happen. He's the cord that ties us together. I don't know about me, but I do know about him."

"There's talk of making a golden idol. A god for us, not just for Moses. Moses talks of needing no money. He says if we just do what we want everything will work out. We can live in complete freedom. How can that be? How can life be that good? We've never been allowed to do what we want! Anyone who did what he wanted before was killed by the Egyptians."

"He asks a lot, I know. I too wonder what this God will think of me. Will He have a use for even my life? Maybe I only deserve to worship a golden idol made from our hands. You hear their angry voices over there, those men who are jealous of the new God. It's hard to resist their words."

"Maybe we should be smart and give to both. What can it hurt? Besides, the others will be angry with us if we don't join in. The only place we'll be safe from them is in the Tabernacle. And God knows I'm not going in there."

"Me neither," I sighed in resignation. Yup, really am unworthy. We got up and brushed off our clothing, making our way to the center of the idol making. As we got further and further away from the tabernacle, our hearts wordlessly sank. How obvious we are wrong! Still, we marched forward like stupid cattle to be slaughtered. In wicked irony, if one hesitated he felt he betrayed the other. We feared to betray our betrayal! Finally, I had to say something though it did not alter our course.

"You know, I know we're being smart and everything, but this just feels so incredibly...stupid."


Sunday, March 06, 2016

The Civilized World

Like every work day, I was giving Miguel the Monster a ride to work. He was trying to "help" me.

"You gotta be hard, man. Nobody gives you nothin'. They're all takers."

Miguel and I had become brothers in anger - a dangerous thing, I know. During his day labor days Miguel had been ripped off by construction foremen who stole workers' labor. Everyone claims to hate theft - unless it's done in the name of the system. But unlike the other 99%, Miguel fought back, tracing the guy's home address through the thief's license plate and then drilling a hole in every tire of every car at the house. I found that refreshing and told him so.

In return, Miguel cracked up over my catch phrase, "You can't pray your way off the cross." He uses it all the time. As an illegal worker, he's a hunted animal - and always will be. Raped and robbed by our civilized system, made scapegoats for the ills of our greediness by cutthroat politicians, and forced to endure the hopelessness of life as a wage slave, Miguel's life here in paradise is to be a hand-to-mouth existence until the day he dies. He's forced to get by on the kindness of strangers - such as my giving him a ride each day (something I'm more than happy to do).

But anything can be taken too far. Miguel once bragged of him and a buddy of his knocking out a guy's tooth because they wanted the gold cap. That's when he became the Monster. "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?" Who actually believes that?? But forget it and we all lose.

I'd told Miguel of my impending water vending venture, that I was having literal nightmares over not wanting to do it (like every job). That's when he told me I have to be hard. See, Miguel's form of "help" is to make everyone else just like he is (which is pretty much standard practice wherever you go). He tells me he'll rough up the seller if I can't get what I need. "No safe place. Go anywhere in the world, there no safe place." I would say that's the totality of Miguel's life experience.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is the San Francisco suicides by highly embedded upscale teens. Their lives on the surface are the complete opposite of Miguel's. I've never broached this subject with him because I don't want to hear the usual discourse of "They've got it made!" Nobody's got it made, it's just treachery of a different sort. And it's equally murderous. Whether it's Miguel knocking out a tooth, or slave traders stealing labor, or corporate VPs firing underlings to hide their own incompetence, our pretense of civilization is only that: a pretense.

Insulated suburban teenagers are likely to still have their souls. They know there's no point to living in the world without a soul. They have yet to make the transition to the "adult" lies that we live by, bribed to close our eyes and call ourselves holy. I too died at seventeen. My body has stayed but there's no point to a life of drudgery. These teens killing themselves are our canaries in the coal mines. We think we're clever not to heed them ("What do I care if a couple of birds died?") but we all know what happens to miners who ignore this message. Remember this when the dying time comes for you. It's all connected.

When I hear people talk about a future where our insanity goes on forever I can only shake my head. Believe me, corporations and money and armies will be things of the past in the next century, our belief in those relics as saviors vanished forever just as with witch burning. We'll look back at these lying times as sick and savage, survived only by divine intervention. Right now the world is like Nazi Germany: you might not be able to stop the crimes of the state but you will be held accountable. You can bet your life on it.

Saturday, March 05, 2016

Thoughts Undone

If I must die
I will not sigh
If I can fly
Into a Japanese sky


Braving burning sands
He returns from desert's hell,
Old sorrow waiting


How easy to scale the wall
But I sneak like shinobi
Our hearts divided by shoji
Black screen

Wednesday, March 02, 2016

It's All Connected

I'm dying - but I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong. The fact that others are dying does me no good whatsoever. The fact that I've cut myself off from love and Emily is too devastating to even think about. The roosters have started coming home to roost. Suicide bubbles up to the surface yet again. Up to this point, a pine box is the only solution God has to offer. Damn, that's harsh. Really harsh.

"Where failure brings ruin - and success even more."

I've run out of ways to survive. Time does that to you if you never find your place. I've been up against it staring down the barrel of a gun for the longest time. Had I blessed fatal black capsule I would be dead now. It's only the troublesome logistics of suicide that prevents me. Emily was my last chance, there can be nothing after that. Now vultures from hell come plucking my soul in a living death. I'm helpless to stop them.

This should be good news what I'm about to say but in harrowing dilemma I've found out it's not. One of my various means of ways of scraping out a living is helping this guy with his water vending business. He takes great pride in this venture he's had for over a decade. Now it can be mine. There's a catch, of course. I have to pay it off through sweat equity, i.e. no money for about four to five years. After that I have a source of income that does not require the usual self-immolation of an ordinary job. Worst part is I'll now have two jobs instead of one even if it only takes a few hours a week.

Just kill me now.

This REALLY isn't me but then neither
has been anything else I've ever done

You see, part of my self-expression (and hope to end the suffering) has been my dying, to show I have no future. That is me, that is where I am. Now for the first time I'm faced with the possibility of having a way to survive, it's mind-blowing to say the least. This is where the vultures come in as I lose a piece of myself in order to remain. Good news is I get to live. Bad news is I live for no reason. And if somehow I am successful in making it to the end, I'll be even more submerged in my nightmare.

I don't want to do any of this. I want to be left alone. I fear there will be nothing left of me after grilling myself for so many years. I'm already tapped out. I may even have to stop writing. Writing is a luxury that costs me more than anyone understands. God gives no quarter to unfunded creativity. To wrap up, I've seemingly solved the burden of a looming death only to find it's death after all. Goddam, that's rough. Even making the decision for this was a secret hell.

The owner and I ate at Bubba's Chicken, a favorite of mine by SMU. I've only been in there a few times but once was at the same time as a gaggle of five SMU coeds. Man, it was like something out of the movies to see them in real life. Hot and vibrant beyond belief, a memory you don't forget. But you see, SMU is Emily's world, where she got her law degree, a rich Jewish princess. I never went to college because I'm socially crippled, a cast out.

Before failing with Emily I felt like an outsider visiting the campus for art events or whatever. But now - now I feel I'm a ghost, unable to reach the living world. What opened my eyes - even though it's still very much only a possibility - was facing a life that didn't hold financial failure in my future. I told myself what separated me from the them was my lack of money to exist in their world. Now I understand I can't buy my way in. All the money in the world makes no difference whatsoever.

"As if goodness' heart he could borrow!"

That line from Childe Harry turned out to be prophetic. Buy or borrow it's all the same. If I thought I had Emily's friendship I'd own that campus. I'd walk around with head held high wholly unconcerned with anyone's thoughts or opinions. Instead, I gave into the part of me that said I didn't deserve that - then proceeded to prove it in the worst way possible. The idiocy of it boggles the mind. Oh wait, I digress. Point is, the vending owner discussed his "exciting" offer to me in a place where I was completely dying on the inside, discovering how truly hollow my life is for the first time, feigning a smile all the while.

I really do just want to die. This has been a hope of mine for quite a while. Now that possible success is realized I understand the totality of my doom. Every fiber of my being says not to accept it. On the other hand every fiber of my being says not to go to my soul-killing job. I suppose these are the things that happen to a loveless, lightless life. I gave up on life very young, why are you idiots dying?

Our choices for President are the reincarnation of Caligula and Cinderella's evil step-mother. Neither one is any sort of caretaker. But we're angry at ourselves for cheating ourselves out of the life we deserve (like moi). Blame anything - just don't blame greed. That's seems to be our holy mantra. Just as I'm forced to accept the false salvation of this business offer, so too do I see a country facing the same false choice. No way to win; yes or no, say or don't say, every road leads to hell.

I also read a Robert Reich article at HuffPo where makes this well-reasoned argument for enlightened self-interest of spreading wealth as he watches the obvious disintegration going on during this election process. We can only hide our true face for so long. What Robert doesn't get is that Wall Street is just as nihilistic as ISIS in the East. No one believes there's a solution because no one believes we're going to give up our greed here in the West. Though rarely admitted, we all know there' no future in that. So the current mentality is to grab what you can before it's all gone.

All this time I've been lying to myself about so many things. Had to pretend I had a future to keep the monsters from dragging me away. What a great piece of propaganda it is this business offer. I could get many sorts of false kudos for it, just like watching those jack-asses on TV celebrating their election "victory" over sanity, just like watching ISIS psychopaths use Allah's name in vain with each conquered territory. So tell me, do you have a future? If so, it certainly doesn't come from the outside. And God help you if you're empty on the inside like I am, left with nowhere to turn.