Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Worst Christmas Ever
This truly is hell in every sense of the word. Not a bone in my body wants to go on. Nothing is worth enduring this. I knew you were my last chance, Emily. I would have done things for you I'd do for no one else. And I would have done them without misgiving or doubt. But to be with you I had to walk into the light. Instead, I hurt you and ran away.
I think about you almost every day. As life has continued to disintegrate for me I cry out for your friendship. What do you do when a piece of you is missing? Wandering through this world of monsters a half-person in need. Even if I could shake the feelings of regret I'm still left with the overwhelming abyss of emptiness before me. I've done horrible things, Emily. Things before I met you I didn't want you to find out about. You can only face the people you don't care about when you're this ashamed of your life.
That's a cold, cold fate.
I'm stuck in the masquerade world as my true face decays from a lack of light. I told myself removing me from your life was the right thing to do. I still grapple with that. I can see now that whatever would have transpired it should have happened honestly. I don't know what it is this part of me that refuses to communicate. I beg God for the words to fix things between us. Writing here is the best I can do. And what is that?
I can't live outside of your world and I can't stink it up, either. That's the classic definition of purgatory, isn't it. It has crossed my mind that since I trusted you I could have gone through doors I am otherwise unable to and be closer to being the person I need to be. Dear God, to have lost that...
They have plans for me, Emily. Evil plans because that's all they know how to do. I dreamed of meeting you and hugging you for minutes on end. We knew each other before we ever met. I feel like a child left behind in the woods. There's no part of me that truly believes there's hope. I feed myself tormented lies to make it through the day. No one can hear my voice in the woods. I can't not want time with you. I never could.