I'm so sick of just driving around with no place to go...no, I can't go back to that bar...it's too much effort to appear normal...I keep thinking they've figured it out and they're whispering behind my back...I need a place where I can hide...I don't want to go back to that fucking house, it swallows me up...But I'm so tired...wow, look at those people sitting around laughing and eating without a sin in the world to weigh them down...how can I sit among them...would they be angry if I saw a movie there...would I be shunned like OJ...ticket for one, please...I understand if you don't want to sell it to a killer like me...
"Come on in."
"You sure? I mean..."
"Yeah, I'm sure. Come on! Don't be silly."
"Well, you know. You just met me. You'll only want me to leave in the end."
She grabbed him by the arm and pulled Bennie over the threshold. It was absolute heaven. To surrender to her gave a delicious feeling he hadn't felt in years. He wanted more of that. He wanted that for the rest of his life.
"I got some tequila shots. Only a couple, I know. You gotta drive, right?"
Without waiting for a response she stepped into the kitchen to prepare the shots. What a whirlwind ride! Bennie had forgotten himself inside the dark theater, movie magic working its wonder. He was so moved by the film he had to say something even to the point of striking up a conversation with a stranger. She lived within walking distance in this very upscale urban area. Good things like this weren't supposed to happen to him.
Bennie looked around the young lawyer's décor and immediately felt himself in foreign territory. Places like this only reminded him of how far he'd fallen in his own morose, paranoid abode. Fear's apprehension slowly inched silently towards his heart.
"You like living in this area?"
She arrived with the shot glasses. "I love it. My law degree is from SMU and I knew I wanted to live close by in uptown. This area feels alive."
"Yeah, SMU's not far. And they're building like crazy around here." Bennie tried to keep to impersonal, objective statements. Safer that way. But his sweaty palm taking the shot glass she gave him was a dead giveaway.
"What are you? An accountant?"
Shit! How'd she guess my previous life in finance? "I'm retired. Don't do much of anything."
"But you were an accountant, right?" Her sharp eyes twinkled with an inner knowledge.
Stop asking that question! "Sort of. I was in finance, you could say."
"I knew it! I can read people like that. Part of it is your slender build and part of it is your face. As a trial lawyer I'm always working on reading. Hope you don't mind."
"No, not at all." Bennie shifted uneasily in his chair.
"Bombs away!" She downed the shot. "I don't drink like I did in school. Gawd, I could put it away back then! It was all the pressure. And the sex! I was like a steam engine."
Bennie couldn't believe his ears. Her life path was something out of a book to him. She obviously came from wealth, knew what she wanted, and lived life as she pleased. That was allowed in this world??
"I can imagine," choked Bennie. The mere thought of being with her drove him over the edge, impossible to hide his feelings. How was this happening? Why now after all this time? What had he done to deserve this monumental turn of events?
"Tell you what," she teased. "I bought this new negligée and I want a guy's opinion. Do you mind?"
"God, no! I mean, sure. OK."
"Great, I'll be right back."
How did she not notice I just blew my stack? Her legs are to die for. If I see her in lingerie I'll lose all control. But she doesn't know me. She thinks I'm normal. I'm NOT normal. I just happened to forget who I was for a while. Shit, how do I get into these messes?
When she came back, Bennie's eyes about popped out. He couldn't have created a better picture. She twirled around to reveal a G-string back while the front barely held in her perky breasts. This was her life at this time. Still drinking and fucking but on her way to settling down. Bennie had seen girls like her at college but the thought of approaching one of those untouchable goddesses terrified him beyond belief. Now here he was pushing forty and one of those goddesses was parading around half naked in front of him, getting him drunk like a horny frat boy on a date.
How can this be?? Is she teasing me? "My, God. Somebody's going to be happy. Really, really happy. That's amazing."
"Thanks! It's very comfortable too. Mind if I keep it on?"
Dear God Jesus YES DO! "Uh, no. I don't mind. It looks great, really."
She was strong and beautiful and for some reason wanted him. Where had she been all his life? One encounter with a woman like that back in college would have altered his entire life path. He wouldn't have embezzled or shrinked away in shame from She who mattered most. Could it be he ruined his life for no reason??
What should I do? How can I possibly deserve this after what I've done? This is where I really pay. If I hadn't killed Her I could accept this gift and let it transform my life. Better late than never! But I gave up, holding onto my anger. I wish I could die.
She put her legs over his lap. "Mind rubbing my feet. Those heels were killer."
Bennie popped a boner, completely helpless, completely terrified. If only I hadn't killed...
Her feet were delicate and feminine. Bennie feared if he went any further lightening would surely strike him down. Every fiber of his being was convinced of this. He was stealing all over again, taking what he didn't deserve. Deceiving. That's the only way she'd of let him in the door.
"You don't really know me. I could be a psycho or something."
She felt the way he gratefully caressed her feet. It tickled Mira to think she was saving a life. She knew he needed a woman like she. It would alter his outlook on life forever. She'd had her share of young studs. He probably doesn't understand how he could be picked over them. But she was growing and to be able to give a gift like this meant more to her than the sport sex she'd experienced in school. Mira was on her way to becoming a woman.
"That's OK. I'll take my chances."
"No, really. You don't know anything about me. I could do all sorts of stuff."
"I don't know. Something bad."
"Tell you what. Let's arm wrestle. If I win you have to do anything I say."
Shit! I should lose on purpose! "And if I win?"
"You still have to do anything I say." Mira smiled a fetching smile.
Somehow she was reading his mind; reading his soul; giving him everything he wanted and needed. But God could never be this merciful to a killer. Bennie must be punished. Yes, this was a test. He must punish himself now to show his remorse. God would be appeased then.
"Really, you don't know me." He moved her luscious legs off of him, never forgetting the smooth feel of this finest of fruit. "I should go. I'm a terrible person. The worst sort." Bennie stood up.
Mira had never felt the sting of rejection in her life. She wasn't full of herself but she knew what she had to offer and did not judge men. Unfortunately, Bennie decided to judge himself.
"You're kidding! I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid in the least little bit. Shut up and take off your clothes."
You're really testing me, God! This must be what good people deserve. Wish I was one of them! "OK, I'll go now. Thanks for the drinks and everything." Could you be any more lame?
Mira was incredulous. "You're leaving? You're fucking leaving? You think I'm sort of whore?"
"No. Just the opposite." Bennie ran for the door and stepped outside. He figured he was safe where she could not follow. But Mira did follow to the open doorway guiltlessly unashamed. A man passing by with his dog yelled out, "Hot damn!" - which made Bennie's shame on what he was missing burn all the more.
"You got a shitty life ahead of you, you know that? No one can be nice to you, is that it? Go home and hump your fist. I hope that gets you what you want. I just..." Mira stopped in exasperation.
Bennie only muttered as he slinked away. "See, I knew you'd want me to leave."
Mira had not known a pretzeled soul like Bennie's before. Her youthful ways came to an end that night, realizing not every person acts in their best interests. Though Bennie lived in tormented recrimination, this proved an invaluable lesson to her, completing her education, and enabling her to swim the shark infested waters of the legal profession. She went on to become a star litigator, strong and principled. Honoring what is precious is no game. She'd love to save the world, but settled for saving herself.
For Bennie, his life - now twice as miserable - ended that night. Never again would - or could - another moment ever matter during his time on this earth. He died to appease the gods. The picture of Mira framed in the doorway in her lingerie seared forever into his mind. He ejaculated to her memory wildly, but it diminished as his heart broke. Time had stopped for Bennie but in earth measure it had been six tortuous years from that night to this. He was fading into oblivion.
"At least there I can't steal anything or hurt anyone." Nor can I be of use to anyone...