Saturday, August 01, 2015

Steve Blow Job Meets A Cop!

"Guess what I just swallowed! It's not a canary!"

Legendary Dallas Morning News columnist Steve Blow is a fountain of wisdom and sage advice in these confusing times. If one were to follow his guidance one's life would never stray from the enlightened path in this dark and darkening world. Thank God for this beacon of sanity! A recent illustration of this man's moral superiority to the average Joe can be seen in his wonderfully titled column "Obeying police instruction is easy first step to avoiding tragedy". Hear, hear!

Weak-kneed and awestruck I read this tutelage for proper behavior in a modern society. I even created a new acronym for my life: WWSBD (What would Steve Blow do?). Following this man's code for conscientious conduct I was able to construct just what it would would be like if our fabled hero were to have a police encounter of the third kind. Even in the most trying of circumstances, we see a man who comes out unscathed and undaunted. Who could hope for more?

*****

"Pull over, you white cunt!"

"Why yes, officer. Good idea! How may this white cunt help you?"

"You know why I pulled your sorry ass over?"

"I'm sure it was for a good reason and for the betterment of society."

"Cause I hate your white bitch ass. That's why."

"Why thank you for the enlightenment! I'm looking at this as a true learning experience."

"Now get out of the car and put your pussy Plano hands on the roof, peckerhead."

"A wise precaution! Take no chances and trust no one! That's life on the streets, eh, officer?"

"Fact is I don't trust no white bread fucker driving a '86 Volvo. You ain't had an original thought in your life, has you? Now spread 'em so I can feel your private parts even if they is the size of a scared sausage."

"The thoroughness of your police training shines through. God, I'm proud to be frisked by you!"

"After a while you'll learn to enjoy the penetration
and become a good citizen like I am."

"Now, I want your punk ass to start squealing like a pig right here on the open highway."

"Obeying police instruction is an easy first step to avoiding tragedy!"

"Louder, piggie!"

"Yes, officer, sir! My, you certainly are a mean and surly one. I like that in a cop!"

"Who cares what your idiot ass likes? You're here to please me. You exist for my benefit. You got that, cracker?"

"Loud and clear! Loud and clear! May I lick your fine black shoes, officer?"

"Damn right, you better! If I find one spot on them afters I'll tase your ass!"

"And deservedly so! I just want to go on the record to verify I don't need any pesky constitutional rights. I spit on them and everyone who dies for them!"

"Only rights you got is what I give you."

"I can think of nothing more just!"

"What I outta do is arrest you for assaulting me with that tongue on my shoe and leave your virgin ass in jail until you are humiliated into hanging yourself."

"Now that's the thin blue line I keep talking about!"

"You such a pathetic worm it takes all the fun out of oppressing your booty bitch butt."

"I sincerely and deeply apologize, officer. Pathetic worm am I! The way you protect us from thugs and deviltry fills me with quivering respect. If only each of us would take on the responsibility to worship and pledge complete obsequiousness to our men in blue the world would be a fantastical paradise in which to live."

"Responsible members of society apologize for being black."

"OK, I think I heard enough outta you. I got a whole lot better use for that mouth of yours. Now you gonna get an up close and personal look at a Alabama black snake that you gonna make happy."

"Why, thank you, officer! An honor and a privilege to serve the police in any way I can! Frankly, I was hoping you would allow me to perform a service for you even though I was mistakenly thinking more along the lines of a bake sale."

"Yeah, I know. Every one of you conservative cunts is just dying for a black man to show you the ropes. No wonder you keep us outta your country clubs. You too afraid your desire to be the eighteenth hole would show up."

"A keen and astute insight! I hope I was satisfactory in my servicing you today. I truly cherish driving down the road covered in your respect. You have no idea what this means to me and I cannot wait to do a grammatically correct column on it!"

"That don't mean nothin' to me. All you gotta know is who's in charge and who's the child."

"Well played, sir. Too many immature citizens insist on a dangerous and anarchic sense of self-respect that simply cannot be abided in a civilized society. Back the men in blue and everything they do!"

"Gawd, you a jack ass."


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