The cereal killer awoke before dawn. He filled his bowl with Cocoa Puffs. He knew others were out there. Frosted Flake. Fruity Pebble. Lucky Charm. Today, he made the decision to kill. This must be, there is no other way.
He walked by a breakfast nook in the woods, spotted Raisin Bran, and shot him dead. "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!" The killer repeated this many times deep in his fear.
In the suburbs and city he found more deadly enemies. Left to their own devices, opposing cereals would crush his beloved Cocoa Puffs. It's a kill or be killed world! To hell with the wailing of the survivors! But finally, General Mills stopped him cold, taking his milk and gun.
Many professed outrage for the killings. "He hates us for our cereal! Why can't hate us for something real, like the color of our skin?"
The leader of the Nation of Cereal felt compelled to speak.
"I've had to make statements like this too many times. Communities have had to endure tragedies like this too many times," he continued. "Once again, innocent people were killed in part because someone who wanted to inflict harm had no trouble getting their hands on a gun. ... We as a country will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries."
Listen to me when I tell you who the enemy is!
Much philosophizing ensued. "If everyone ate the same cereal this sort of tragedy wouldn't happen." "If we sold crossbows instead of guns this sort of tragedy wouldn't happen." "One thing certainly is obvious: we should never eat Cocoa Puffs again so this sort of tragedy won't happen."
Righteous rallies rode on many a high horse denouncing the eating of Cocoa Puffs. "If we can bury cerealism we can end it!" Campaign buttons declared "No more Cocoa!" Anyone found eating Cocoa Puffs was mercilessly attacked. Finally, the march to morality was victorious, not a single puff remained on grocery store shelves. No longer will the hearts of men hold hatred. Amen.
But the killing did not stop, for today, the Nation of Cereal made the decision to kill. This must be, there is no other way. Out of the deep blue sky like the wrath of heaven came the whistling roar of terror to blow families to bits. Many survivors wailed in unbearable pain.
"Our communities have had to endure tragedies like this too many times. Other countries do not attack us like this. Only the Nation of Cereal does. This happens because they have too easy access to drones!"
But the drone killers cared not for the wailing of the survivors. "The Nation of Oatmeal are bad guys. I see all these dead bodies and I think: this must be, there is no other way. I know that's what Grandpa said anyway when he loaded bodies into the gas chambers."
The cereal-eater killer awoke before dawn. He filled his bowl with oatmeal. Today, he made the decision to kill. This must be, there is no other way.
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