Sunday, April 05, 2015

What's Wrong With Mom?

"Mom's not her usual self."

No, this is my usual self. I just can't pretend anymore.

"She's not doing what she's supposed to."

I never have.

"When will she snap out of it?"

There's nothing to "snap out" of. The Lie is over.

The Act, such as it was, died a natural death. She'd gotten notice from on high. An angel came to her in a dream, showing her the bill for her life: $283,235,957. That's what she'd wasted with her dishonest ways. She'd need to pay it back to get into heaven. There was, of course, no possible hope of that - even if she were not set in her ways as she was.

So I did all this for nothing. Decades of scrambling and covering up "for the good of the family." Sacrificing pieces of my breaking heart. Denying my dreams for an easy lifestyle. How bitterly ironic. I knew I was designed as someone who needed wealth. We have 2 million but I lost 283 million along the way. I don't really have any wealth anyway. It's all Joe's and I don't dare divorce.

I thought God was yelling at me for having the money that I did, not because I was throwing it away! Easy to see now that money or no money was never the problem. It was the dishonesty. One penny or one million, if you get it dishonestly it weighs on you just the same. It was never about the amount. God wanted more for me than I ever dreamed. Now the bill has come due. Mercy me.

She could see no way to extricate herself. Her outward "success" served only to mask her inward failures. The kids notice everything. Damn! Without The Act what could she do? She could get "help" and everyone would act supportive and get to play the role of rescuing hero. What a charade that would be. Pills and pop psychology would be stuffed down her throat. Is that the ever-rising price for keeping the Lie alive?

But nothing could change the bill due. She couldn't even hide in her religion. How could she pray to God now that she knew God knows the truth? She'd waited too long to face the music. Only the idea of keeping the Lie going excited her and brought life back into her, that she could carry on as before. But her course was forever altered having faced her reality.

She had to do it, though. The nights were torture and it was spilling over into the day. The constant needling, the poking and prodding of demons caused her to cry out in her dreams to make it stop. If only she didn't know, if she could have remained ignorant and kept the ability to convince herself her life was not a waste.


Pointless. Everything up to this point has been pointless. Lying has been the true enemy. I'm more alone than ever. Meeting with that quack was terrifying. All he wanted to do was help me figure out how to lie again! That's the idiot's definition of "hope". There's no fucking hope in that! When I try to infer that the snake starts talking about needing to work on my attitude. Dear God, was this a therapy session for me or for him?

I've really fucked myself good.

She felt her "depression" was a good thing. Who wouldn't be depressed with a 283 million dollar invoice?? She'd wrecked her life and wanted it exposed. But she was alone in that. Subtle hints were made that if she kept on with her "attitude" bad things would happen. Shunned by her kids. Rebuked by her husband and church. Ultimately, perhaps, even cut off completely as a liability to the family - a family she shouldn't have had in the first place. So this is the comeuppance promised for the Whore of Babylon.

So he carried me away in the spirit into the wilderness:
 and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet colored beast,
full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns.

And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet color,
and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls,
having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication:

And upon her forehead was a name written,

It had always been so easy to be a "good person". With her natural charms and gifts marriage had been as simple as picking and pointing and saying, "I do." She'd wanted to cash in for all she was worth. She recalled that as a time of driving anger. What was she so angry about? Because she'd felt betrayed by the falseness of her dreams? Or because - oh, no - it was she herself who betrayed her dreams. She'd just assumed her dreams would fail her and a lie the only thing left to do.

This has been a revelation to me. Is everyone as screwed up as I am? Is that why they want me to keep lying because they too live a lie? All this time I'd thought I was the only one. That's why my friends having affairs and doing what they wanted were laughing at me. I was a fool not getting my share. I thought them a fool for risking their marriage. But getting rid of this lie is the most important thing in my life! The risk was in doing nothing as I had done. At least the others had stayed in the game instead of sitting on the sidelines declaring themselves holy.

Her private moments were the new gold. The plasticine smile would fade and her Stepford goosestepping relax as the caged bird sang no more. She'd left herself no outs. She'd rowed out to sea on a wave of anger 283 million miles from land. What really scared her was her reaction to the thought of love - a thought she hadn't had in years. She knew it was her only possible hope but she wanted to instantaneously claw its eyes out and rip it apart. "Don't see me! Don't see me!"

All she wanted to do was just not lie - the greatest sin of all in the eyes of a dying world.

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