Couch Man was sunk in his couch of many sittings, his television IV directly connected to his remote control arm. His brain, however, was safely disconnected. No troublemaker, he! T'was a time for feeling good - or feel nothing at all. His motto was simple: Just let me be.
While in this simple state, he found no alarm when a man with a gas can came in and started pouring the incendiary liquid into his carpet, his floorboards and down into his foundation. None of that bothered him. What did bother him was the smell! How dare that gas man smell up his house!
"Hey, mister! What you stinking up my house for? I won't stand for that!"
But Gas man spoke with authority. "All the world is built upon gasoline! No house may stand without it!"
"But the smell! That gasoline smell! It smells like-"
"Victory! Yes it does! You have won!"
"Really? That makes me feel great! Thanks for that!"
"My pleasure! You're a good American!"
Couch Man - the good American - beamed with pride in a house laced with lunacy. To continue his indoctrination to patriotism, a man of Holy Paper rushed in, tearing out the walls of Couch Man's house, raising dust and blocking his view of his favorite "reality" show.
"You there!" griped Couch Man, "Why are you ripping up my walls like that? You're worse than a commercial!"
"God wants me to, that's why! God loves America and this is God's holy paper I build your home with!"
"But you can't trust paper. It'll soak up all the gas! What I need is-"
"Faith! You are now one with God! You be holy now!"
"Really? That makes me feel great! Thanks for that!"
"My pleasure! You're a good American!"
Couch Man felt better than ever. A patriot and holy man! And all he had to do was bask in the glow of lovely approval from his fellow man. A fellow man he'd never question now! But his cheer was short-lived as Burning Man crashed through a window, setting Couch Man's house ablaze.
"What are you doing? You're ruining my home with your fire!"
"You could get off the couch and stop me," snorted Burning Man in disgust.
"I can't do that! I got one more segment left on my show. I gotta see how it turns out. I just gotta!"
"A man of principle I see! Good! Stick to your guns! I really admire that!" loathed Burning Man, not bothering to hide his contempt.
"Really? That makes me feel great! Thanks for that!"
"My pleasure! You're a good American!"
But soon the smoke choked Couch Man, causing him to cough so loudly he missed who got voted off the island. The pain of missed pleasure irked him so mightily he cried out for help in the worst way. And as nature fills all vacuums, The Fearless Leader Who Will Fix Everything (TFLWWFE) burst in to save the day.
"You cannot live in this burning house! That must change or you are doomed! And change I will bring!"
"I knew someone would save me!" rejoiced Couch Man as he lit up a cigarette.
"You need only give me your vote of confidence. You need not change in any way!"
"In Fearless Leader I trust! I promise to never trust myself!"
"Excellent! Now let me give you the change you deserve!" In proud self-deception, TFLWWFE ceremoniously changed out Couch Man's blue curtains for far more bold mauve ones.
"Wow!" gasped an awestruck Couch Man. "You're so smart I cannot even comprehend how that's going to save me!"
"Celebrate! Your devotion to responsibility has saved you!"
"Really? That makes me feel great! Thanks for that!"
"My pleasure! You're a good American!"
Then the good American burned to a crisp.
___________________________
Go ahead and celebrate your death, morons.
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